Friday, September 25, 2009

Friday 5: Getting to Know You

Friday, September 25

1. What are the titles of the last three books you read all of?

Since I have been on this planet only for a short period, I have not gained a sufficient knowledge of the planet’s language. So, here are three books from my planet that I enjoyed reading. Here are the translations of the titles

How to Convert Earthling Technology for Use in Pranks Against Others
By Praktic Kal Jo Ker

Getting and Keeping Out of Trouble
Byde Skinofa Miteeth

Getting Away with Wiping a Fellow Varnark’s Treats
By Runnin Asfastas Ican

2. What are the titles of between three and five magazines you subscribe to or used to subscribe to?

These I will have to use a couple from Stone’s repertoire:

MAD Magazine - I always enjoy humor even if it is from a human source.

Knockum Down Dragum Out - A martial arts magazines - My fellow Varnark and I enjoy looking at new techniques in self defense – it helps determines who gets to the treats first.

Kick, Punch and Bite - A magazine my companions and I assemble for our fellow Varnark. The pages tell of the exploits of the local Varnark group. These exploits can be the pranks we pull on each other, the humans and especially the Ygi.

3. What’s on your night table?

Well, this morning, I found several plastic wraps from cookie packets, a bottle of something called “hot sauce,” and a battered alarm clock.

I remember the cookies were a treat for not causing any trouble all day yesterday. Stone likes it when he does not have to reassemble a part of his trailer.

The battered alarm clock – when we reach over to hit the snooze button, we slap it fairly hard. I have had to reconstruct the thing 47 different times. This is because Thenal would strike the snooze button with a club.

As for the hot sauce, I brought it in here to use to help wake Thenal up. It should be doing its work right about ….

Aiiieeeeyah! Bang, bang, thump.

Now. Wow, that’s what happens when you put a dozen and a half drops in the glass of mouthwash. I never seen Thenal travel that fast in quite a while. Oh my, he dove into Stone’s swimming pool. And he really hates water. I guess that eliminates me from getting any treats tonight.

4. What are the three best things that happened to you in the past seven days?

Seeing Thenal jump into that pool and turned into a petrified Varnark – he is in a fear coma. We have him leaning against the wall for the time being.

Enjoying make a fool of myself at a local Karaoke bar. Though, Thenal, Omman and I were invited to leave after that one high-pitched song shattered the bar’s mirror. I guess ‘invited to leave’ may be the wrong word. The correct phrase probably would be ‘took flying lessons,’ because they threw us out.

Helped Stone loose some weight. We tied Stone’s shoestrings together. When he got up to come to the kitchen, splat, he landed face first on the living room floor. He has been chasing after us for most of the day.

5. What was your senior yearbook quote, and what would your yearbook quote be this year if there were such a thing?

We don’t have a yearbook. Heck, we don’t know what one is. Stone did write something in the front of my martial arts training manual.

“Duck next time and don’t block those punches with your face. You’re ugly enough as it is.”

The quote I would have written is “Fear me, fore I shall kick someone’s nazda.”

To view the collection of others who participate in the Friday 5, go to

Friday, September 18, 2009

Friday Five: What’s It Take

Friday, September 18

1. What does it take to get you to grab the mic and sing in a karaoke room?

About two shots of rum would do it. Actually, Tement tries to keep us Varnark away from locations that broadcasts music. He knows that we lose all control when it comes to music. We begin dancing as if it the end of the world approached: wild and free.

Thus the two shots of rum takes away our coordination and ability to dance. When we can’t dance, we make fools of ourselves by singing. Most Varnark can't carry a tune. BG

2. What does it take to get you to give up a whole Saturday to hang out with people you don’t like?

That question is almost like asking a Varnark does he wants his teeth pulled without anesthesia. We really do not like hanging around the Ygi (another race of aliens who prefer to eat Varnark, and Human, flesh to all other).

But that is where the above question can solve the problem. On one occasion, we squared off with a group of Ygi, short for Ygianan, and just before we clashed, someone began playing music. We just could not help ourselves. Both parties bust out in dance. As long as the music plays, Varnark and Ygianan will dance uncontrollably.

3. What does it take to get you out of bed without your hitting the snooze button?

The answer to this question has multiple facets. If I anticipate pulling off a huge prank, then I’ll turn off the alarm when I wake up. The others are the same way. I want to slip out and enjoy the effects of this prank. In my opinion, mornings lend themselves to be great times to pull off excellent pranks.

Additional ways that Stone, Tement, or others have used that kept me from hitting the snooze button is for them to call out any one of the following phrases:

Stone or Tement:

Chocolate covered pancakes are ready.
Who wants some ice cream?

I found Stone’s Oreo® cookie stash.
Stone forgot to put away his onions.

The ultimate way to keep me from hitting the snooze button is for someone to say, “There's a bowl of chocolate covered crushed Oreo cookies and ice cream on the table."

4. What does it take to get you to take someone else’s turn at a really unpleasant task at work or home?

That is almost like the answer to question number two. You know, about having one’s tooth pulled without anesthesia.

If Tement orders it or if bribed with ice cream and crushed cookies, then I might take up someone else’s dirty tasks. Still would not like it though.

5. What does it take to get you to eat something you really dislike?

Three Ygianan holding blaster pistols to my head. Or if my mom or girlfriend cooked it and I expected to sleep at either one’s house.

Check out the Friday 5 site at

Check out links to others' answers at

By the way, if you would have asked "What would it take to get me away from my computer or voice recorder?" I do not know how I would had answered tha.... Wait a minute! Is that popcorn I smell. Gotta go. Bye!!!!

Bam, clank, thunk ...... Hey guys, save some for me.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Word Usage or English Sminglish

Monday, September 14

Hello everyone. I do apologize for missing both my Friday and Sunday deadlines. That is why I am writing this now. First of all, I caught something that someone brought into our domicile. I told him to take care, but I caught whatever he had after the offender coughed three or four times. I don’t believe him when he said he got some food caught in his throat. Yea, likely story.

Yet, the main reason I missed my deadlines came from the fact I remained in hiding. After I teleported those hornets into the room I shared with Thenal and friends, they began looking for me. By the way, Tement is making me change that part of my story. Yes, I embellished a bit. I actually teleported those mechanical insects of Penelope’s. You know, the mechanical yellow jackets. Once the others discovered that the insects posed no danger, they saw this incident as a practical joke.

By the way, the door to our room that Stone installed worked beautifully. Stone just pushed the door back into the frame until he heard the connectors latch.

Since we thrive on practical jokes, we tend to pull them on each other quite often. Yet, we are not allowed to commit any that cause physical injury to any other Varnark or to humans. Ygi on the other hand are fair game to a certain extent. But I can’t talk too much on that now.

Before I managed to get out of my hiding place, I discovered the others had joined me. They mentioned that Stone had work for us and decided to hide as well.

My definition of confusion can be summed up with two words - Human Language. The way they use their language can confuse us Varnark to no end. You see, the human language can be filled with contradictions and hidden meaning.

For instance on the contradictions, I have noticed on many occasions where human’s would greet each other using such terms as mutt face, jackass, moron, dipstick and other words that Tement won’t let us use.

Yet, when Thenal greeted that bearded human dressed in leather riding that motorcycle with “Hello, you mutt-faced moronic jackass. How is life treating you today?” He found himself twisted up like a pretzel and deposited in a trashcan.

As for phrases with hidden meanings, Stone uses them all the time. One night he said that he planned to go "cut a rug." Then he would leave without carrying any type of cutting utensils. Once, he told us that we do it every time he turns on his stereo system. That’s not true. We usually dance until we get exhausted. Then it dawned on me what the term meant.

Now, to my current situation, Stone notified the others in a roundabout way that he has projects lined up for us. He should know us by now. The Varnark are allergic to most activities that involve physical labor.

When asked how he knew Stone had work for us to do, Omman said he overheard Stone telling Tement that he had been thinking. When Stone thinks, we end up doing some type of menial task that is labor intensive. We aren’t idiots. After the first two or three times he pulled that one on us, he switched to another idiom that meant the same thing. He'd use the phrase “having too much time on their hands.”

I agree that at times we have too much time on our hands. But that allows us to come up with ideas to pull off more elaborate practical jokes. Wait a second. Come to think about it, this may be one of Stone’s more elaborate practical jokes. The last time he pulled this on us, we stayed hidden for three days. Though it seems to me that he said something about "wanting some peace and quiet." Then he would follow this phrase with one of the two before mentioned phrases. I just wonder.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

After the Punishment

Wednesday, September 09

Oh, Varnark! The events Monday did not end after I ended my post. They left me trussed up and dangling from that tree for the last two days. I now have the sniffles and a cough. If they don’t kill me one way, they will do it in another. At least, they have it too.

Oh, now I know what a piñata is. By the way Thenal and the others swung those Shinai, I thought their intention was to open me up for those proverbial prizes. Those bamboo swords hurt. We used them all the time in sword fight training. They have wanted to hit me with those for months since I beat them every time we meet in a Kendo match.

Yet, I felt every strike they made but something did not feel right. The impacts didn’t feel as painful as they did in the past. Last night I found out that Tement had placed an orepo, or dampening shield generator, on my back. He set it to transfer only 10 percent of the energy of those whacks over to my body.

Last night, Stone finally let me down. That’s when I found the orepo. Soon, I found myself lying in my hammock in front of Stone’s abode. I didn’t feel like sleeping anywhere near those skunks. I inspected various parts of my body ached but found no bruises.

Also, I found myself walking funny trying to get to my hammock. Pain has a tendency to do that, you know. Why, you ask? I will tell you why. My tootsies feel a bit tender right now. After Tement went to bed, Stone perpetrated what I considered the cruelest bit of torture imaginable: cats and cream. He said something about “this is the way cavemen used to get rid of body hair.”

This final act of torture turned out to be almost as bad as having someone eat cake and ice cream in front of me. Stone’s cats really have not shined up to me. Today, he fixed it so that they became quite attentive. Then Stone painted my feet with frothed up cream. His cats eagerly licked my feet trying to get every drop of that cream.

Who knew cats had sandpaper tongues? I didn’t. The others have laughed themselves into a stupor as I squirmed at the end of that rope. Every time one of those cats licked the bottom of my feet, this tickling pain shot through my foot. Not to mention when one of their tongues shot between my toes.

Though not in a laughing mood, I found myself laughing so hard that my side hurt. Nearly passed out on two occasions. Couldn’t catch my breath. Every time I felt I would get a reprieve, Stone would apply more cream. Fuzzball took my left foot and Queenie took my right.

I hope that now you understand why I walked funny. Stone’s cats took a layer of skin off the bottom of my feet. I hope I can keep the infection away. That is another reason I chose to sleep in my hammock. I seemed to be getting over my sniffles, but their sniffles and sinus congestion seemed to be getting worse. I don’t want any part of it.

Those skunks will regret doing this to me. Oh, and speaking of skunks, I wonder how they like the one I teleported in there a few minutes ago? I believe it should help clear up their congestion. He, He, He. :-p

Not to mention that hornets' nest that should be teleporting into the room at any ....

Wham! Bang! Boom! Aiieeeeyaah! Bizzzzzzzz!


Monday, September 7, 2009

Swinging in the Wind

Monday, September 7

Uh, hello. For a second there, I thought I was a goner. Earlier this morning, Tement brought the others in from the pound. Valdarna did they look pissed. Thenal jumped and planted all four sets of his claws into my chest. Omman and the twins bit down on my legs and pulled them out from under me. Then Tement returned them to their original state. Thenal transformed back to his usual self but not before coughing up a hairball.

As Thenal sat on my chest holding me down, the others trussed me up with some rope. They said that I needed to be punished for my heinous acts. My response, “What heinous acts?” I’ve done nothing wrong. The Navdalla malfunctioned changing Thenal into a cat and the others into dogs. It was an accident. Yet, they refuse to hear the truth as they wrap that rope around my feet.

Before too long, they drug me out of the trailer and placed me at the end of a rope hanging off of a tree limb in Stone’s front yard. Then, they gathered several of Stone’s Kali or fighting sticks. One does not have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that they wanted some batting practice. Daggers shot from Omman’s eyes as he scratched various places on his body. His smile told me everything I needed to know.

When they got within ten feet, Stone appeared. He took the Kali away from them and locked them up in the trunk of his car. At first, I thought Stone was going to be compassionate and forgive me. But then he seemed to take much delight in treating my wounds with something called ‘alcohol.’ Though it burned, I welcomed it because, I did not want to get an infection. I have been suffering from other ailments lately. All I need is another deadly illness to strike.

Yet, Stone has graciously allowed me to record this post. As I speak into this recorder, I still find myself attached to the end of a rope suspended from one of Stone’s trees.

Though I do not think I did anything wrong, I do wish to apologize to Stone, Thenal, Omman and the twins for my alleged atrocious behavior on Friday. I must admit that the cookies and cream ice cream covered with chocolate tasted great. Surely, they still can’t be angry over that?

After Stone left, Tement gave me that disappointing look. I told him that it was not my intentions to cause them so much trouble. Tement told me that he had to free Stone from the local constabulary and the others from the local animal shelter. As for the others, they all are taking a mandatory flea bath. Omman caught something from the animal shelter. I sure hope it is not contagious. Though I do have this itch I want to scratch.

As I swing in the wind, I contemplate my punishment. Tement patted me on the shoulder and said that if I can weather this, then I would be a better Varnark for it.

My punishment turned out to be one of pure torture. After Stone tended my wounds, he left to go into the house. What I smelt cooking nearly drove me nuts. First, the hint of a baking cake wafted into my nostrils. The strong smell of fried onions came next. I figured he cooked onion rings just to drive me nuts.

Soon, the torture began. Thenal tossed a cover over the top of the picnic table that the others brought around to the front and placed a mere 10 feet away. They then placed six plates about the table. Of late, we ate our dinner outside in the cool breeze.

Stone and the others brought out the food. To keep the end fighting down over our favorite food, Stone would distribute it evenly to each person. His actions gave me a tiny bit of hope. He stacked my plate to the same height as the others. I saw onion rings galore.

That is when the torture began. They sat down and slowly consumed the onion rings in front of me. The smell drove me nuts. Then the real torture began; Stone brought out a tray containing six portions of chocolate cake and ice cream. I never saw so many Varnark eat so slow. They seemed to be savoring my discomfort.

My last glimmer of hope of getting any of this bounty disappeared when Penelope showed up and consumed my portion of the meal. That’s when I almost lost it.

In a way, I would have preferred to be beaten than be tortured in this gruesome manner. How can civilized beings do something like this. If I get out of this, I will have to figure out a way to get back at them.

As Thenal and the others cleaned up the area, Stone came over and said he had a new nickname for me. He also said that he had decided to allow me to participate in a party game that is popular with humans south of the border. The way he said it makes me think that I would be a very instrumental participant in this party ritual.

At least I might be able to have a bit of fun.. At first, I thought Stone had given me this recorder so that I could give my last Will and Testament. Though I’m still a bit worried. I find myself still trussed up and dangled from this tree. I also wonder what he meant by “what kind of prizes we will find?” statement while he looked me over.

By the way, about my new nickname, I do not know if I like being called a piñata. Stone said it fit me perfectly at the moment; whatever that means.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Friday 5: More Less

Friday, September 4

1. In what way this week were you reckless?

Every once in a while, one has to live on the edge. So happens that this week was my week to live on the edge. For, I just could not help myself.

To start, I swiped a bowl of chocolate covered cookies and cream ice cream from a fellow Varnark. Actually, it was Thenal. As with most humans, we Varnark are very protective of our chocolate, cookies and ice cream along with a few other morsels. Thenal is not an exception on this, so I got my exercise in for the morning. Right now, I am hiding in the trees behind Stone’s trailer.

Next, I broke into Omman's stash of onions. He has yet to discover this.

2. In what way this week were you shameless?

Then, I ate the ice cream without regrets. Another thing is that I walked around Stone’s property in a birthday suit. I also took a bite out of Omman’s birthday cake.

I ate one of Omman's onions like an apple while strolling in front of Omman.

3. In what way this week were you fearless?

That I walked around in the buff as Stone. Using a transphase particle rearrangement generator device called a navdalla, I can walk around as anyone I want. So, I chose Stone. Then I blamed it on Thenal. That is what happens when I drink the human beverage of 'coffee.'

4. In what way this week were you thoughtless?

I accidentally let Stone and the others know that it was me who actually perpetrated those events. Also, I somehow changed Thenal into a cat and Omman and the twins into a pack of dogs before the navdalla broke.

5. In what way this week were you doubtless?

I don’t doubt that Thenal and Stone has a can of ‘Whup-Ass’ waiting for me. But it may have to wait. The last time I saw of Thenal he was running for the forest being chased by Omman and the twins. Also, I have no doubt that those men wearing badges are here to speak to Stone.

I also have no doubt that by the time they get back, the box of cookies and cream along with that bottle of chocolate with be history. Keep smiling.

Check out the Friday 5 site at

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Penelope’s Wrath

Wednesday, September 2

For the last few nights, my hammock rocked me to sleep. I felt so refreshed every morning when I woke up. I made one error in my post the other night. The trees which I tied my hammock to happened to be in the front yard instead of the backyard. Yet, the weather cooperated and I found the past few nights to be quite comfortable. Though last night, I did have to put on a bit more cover. I got chilled and woke with the sniffles.

Omman and Thenal haven’t slept too well since Sunday. They seemed to be worried about what Penelope has planned for them. Yesterday, they moved around so lethargically that Stone called them a pair of ‘zombies.’ He said that they need a visit from the ‘Sandman.’ I have no idea what he is referring to. To me they looked like the living dead and needed to get some sleep.

This morning when I woke, I found Penelope siting on Stone’s porch. I stretched for a few seconds then it dawned on me that she was up to something. My internal alarm told me to get the Valdarna out of the way.

Like I said in an earlier post, I enjoyed watching Penelope do her thing – as long as it wasn’t done against me. As I took the chair beside her, she flipped a switch to a box she held in her hand.

Then I realized that Stone had his wood working equipment out along with some supplies. A chill went down my spine. I have no idea what Penelope had up her sleeve, but I knew I was glad I had not crossed her this time. I could be in my room with the other two.

Yet, my curiosity got the better of me. Before I could ask her what she was up to, she placed a giant yellow jacket in my hand. Her hand stopped me from bolting. Then I noticed small slits in its back. After examining it closer, I realized that I held a mechanical yellow jacket. Its ceramic body measured about three times the insect’s original size.

That satisfied some of my questions. Then a low rumble came from within the trailer. The outside wall of the trailer exploded with wood splinters flying in all directions. Omman and Thenal came flying through the wall leaving a gapping I it and got entangled in my hammock. As Stone said in the past, they sounded like a couple little girls screaming. Before too long, they fell silent.

When I checked on them, I found them in a panic coma. One of the many frailties we Varnark have cultivated into our psyche. They stood stiff as a couple of boards.

Stone began working on repairing the hole in the wall. He said something about making a swinging door just to let us go out when we panic. Replacing the walls every other week just costs him too much.

I followed Penelope into the trailer. She asked me if I wanted to check out her handiwork. When I entered the room, I did not see anything out of the ordinary. Then I got close to the bed and found a plastic box. I ran my hand in front of it. From around the room, these mechanical yellow jackets began to crawl. They produced a swarming sound.

Chances are that it was the three mechanical bugs I found crawling on Thenal’s and Omman’s beds that caused their panic.

Penelope entered the room to collect her bugs, control unit and sound activated switch. She still refuses to tell me what she did with the real bugs. I am not going to push it either. They may find their way into my sleeping bag if I am not careful.

Now, I have to figure out what to do about a couple of petrified Varnark.