Friday, July 31, 2009

Friday 5 - Taboo

Friday, July 31

1. Who’s making a positive difference in your life?
Taboo words: friends, family, husband/wife/spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend.

Penelope. I kind of like her eccentric ways of getting things done or the way she looks at things. But at times she is hard to figure out. Mainly, I like the idea of hers: Don’t get mad, get even.

If it were up to my friends and family, I would be in deep trouble by now. The only positive influence they would have would be that they would positively driven me nuts by now. My girlfriend is the reason I am on this assignment in the first place. It was the only way I could get away from her.

2. Where would you like to be right now?
Taboo words: home, bed, anywhere but here.

On the Mars colony. Varnark, they have it made making those weird designs in the plant’s surface just to drive those human scientists nuts. Plus that is where all of the female Varnark are stationed.

As for being home, it was destroyed when that asteroid hit my planet years ago. The bed that Stone provides it lumpy and hard. Makes me wonder if he did not use concrete under those sheets.

3. What’s the first thing you’d do with a $5,000 (or your local equivalent) gift?
Taboo words: save, debt, vacation, payments, invest.

Buy a week’s supply of ice cream, chocolate, onions and cookie dough. That should wipe that $5000 out and then some. The fun part would be preventing the others from getting any. Big Grin.

Never did have enough money to save. And with our schedules and activities, we may not live long enough as advanced guard against the Ygi to be able to spend our savings. This holds true for investing. No one in their right mind would loan us money. As for vacation, life is a perpetual vacation to us Varnark.

4. What super-power would you really like to have?
Taboo words: invisibility, x-ray vision, flying, strength, transform.

To hold my breath for long periods of time. This would be useful when I have to work around Omman after he consumed three bean burritos with chili. Believe me, this is one feat that I almost am able to do. After years of practice, I can hold it for almost 340 compas (That is about 15 minutes on Earth.) By they way, when one works around the Ygi, this ability could come in handy. One can smell one of them up to two miles away.

As for invisibility, flying, strength and transforming, we have those abilities in a limited way. We stole some of the Sationarian equipment before we got here. This equipment allows us to do most of the above list.

5. What’s your favorite sound?
Taboo words: laughter, music, ocean, wind, ____’s voice.

Well, the answers below are kind of a cheat. The first two sounds would make me laugh uncontrollably. The Varnark are deathly afraid of large bodies of water so that would definitely be out of the question. We lose all motor control of our bodies and start dancing like idiots when music is played. As for the wind, we like to wind surf so that is one sound we do like to hear.

On this, I have multiple favorites. The splashing sound Thenal makes when he slips and falls into a mud puddle. The scream Omman makes as he flies through the air because Thenal ignited one of Omman’s flatulent blasts. The humming sound of a soft serve ice cream machine dispensing my favorite treat: chocolate ice cream with onion bits.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Friday Five - Usefulness

Friday, July 24

What’s something in your possession that has long outlived its usefulness?

Well, the T-shirt I am currently wearing. Stone calls it my holy shirt because of all of the holes in it. I must say that is well ventilated. But I am not ready to give up on its comfort.

Who in your life has proven to be a very useful person to know?

Clark Stone. He is the one who knows where he hid the chocolate and onions. He also controls the keys to the freezer where the ice cream rests. My fellow Varnark and I are learning to pick that lock.

For group projects requiring collaborative planning and then collaborative execution, in what capacity are you most useful?

Gadgets and devices. I have the ability to modify some of the human toys so that we can use them to monitor the activities of the Ygians.

What’s something someone gave you that you didn’t think much of but later became surprisingly useful?

A magnifying glass. I did not know what it could be used for. Then I discovered it allowed me to see inside the lock that Stone has on his freezer. We managed to pick the lock but Stone walked in just as we got the lock open. Our bad timing worked against us.

What is the most useful book in your house?

The dictionary, two encyclopedias and a chocolate cookbook. They give us just enough height to get into the cabinet that Stone hides the chocolate cookies.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Friday Five - Holes

Friday, July 10

Hello, Narval here. I am going to attempt to answer these five questions in my usual Varnark style. Why not? Aren’t we here to have fun? I believe we are, so let the fun begin.

1. Where can you go for a really good bagel, and how do you like yours?

You mean you eat those here. I have heard of hot dogs but I did not know that you all took that to the extreme. They have a bit too much hair on them for me, and they’re too cute to be eaten. I don’t understand you humans. You call them ‘Man’s best friend,’ but then talk about eating them like this.

Uh, wait a second…. What was that you said Stone? Oh! They’re talking about a round piece of bread.

Opps, sorry, I don’t know what got in to me. Just in case though, all you beagles beware.

2. What is your favorite style of doughnut?

Glazed, by the dozen, and free. No, wait, can’t leave out the chocolate covered ones either. ;-p

3. What’s your favorite flavor of Lifesavers?

I’m sure I am going to get in trouble for this one. I take it you are not talking about the device one throws out to save another who is in water, are you?

Oh, those little round things, I like the butter rum flavor.


Opps! Doesn’t haffda same kick az da butter rum dat Stone makzz.

4. What O-shaped breakfast cereals do you like?

Fruit Loops and Cheerios taste good. Though I am beginning to wonder about the names. Sometimes Stone refer to us Varnark as being a bunch of Fruit Loops because we are always happy and pulling pranks.

5. How do you feel about onion rings, and where can you get some good ones?

We Varnark love onions. They can make us cry when we cut them into slices and separate the little rings. Yet, an onion does not stand a chance around us. Then again, most of the humans stay away from us for hours after we eat our onions.

What’s that again, Stone? You mean you cook onions that are battered?

In that case, we like them okay that way but prefer them raw. As for going out to get them, Stone is a bit too stingy to take us out to eat them. Every time he tries to cook some, we eat the onions before he finishes pouring the grease into the pan.

As an ending note to these questions, I want to quote Stone who tells us, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everyone away.”

Friday, July 3, 2009


Friday, July 3

1. How do you feel about fireworks displays?

We Varnark enjoy them. Though those exploding sounds can catch one off guard.

2. What were the details surrounding one of your mishaps with fire?

Well, it wasn’t necessarily my mishap. This occurred just after Stone got that grill. He said he had never tried to barbecue anything in his life. Getting that charcoal lit turned out to be a trick he had never done before. He did not put enough of the starter fluid on it. When the fire went out, he squirted it with some more fluid and this white smoke started floating up.

Stone told us to step back but Thenal got cocky and stuck his head up to the grill. Stone had not realized that Thenal had stuck his head over the grill as he re-lit the fire. The flare-up caught the gel in Thenal’s hair. Stone said Thenal looked like a lit match as he ran toward the pool of water.

3. Who in your life could be described as a real firecracker?

On that front, I would say it could be Penelope, Stone’s friend. She has a tendency to take things too personal. Yet, I truly have to say Thenal would should wear that title. Penelope tends to get even, but Thenal tends to explode when he gets angry, which is almost every time we turn around.

4. When did you last feel you were being put on display?

Last week. I woke up in this strange bed with bars on it wearing a blue bonnet, a T-shirt and something called a diaper. People looked at me and laughed. A sign on the side of this bed stated ‘DWI.’ Underneath it read “Dangerously Wild Ignoramus.” So, I started acting wild and dangerous. I guess I went off like fireworks when I discovered what ignoramus meant.

5. How confident are you in your barbecue skills?

I am getting better at it. Since Stone got that grill a month ago, he has been grilling and barbecuing all types of things. As his assistant on this, he allowed me to do some of the grilling.

Though, this morning, I woke up and realized I smelt like I had been smoked. This did not go unnoticed by the others either. When I looked around, I caught Thenal, Omman and the twins sniffing the air. Then they locked their eyes on me and looked like a pack of hungry wolves on the hunt. I just barely got to the bathroom and locked the door.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Question and Answer Session

Wednesday, July 1

After our encounters with two festivals, I decided to ask some of the Varnark about their experiences. This is the transcripts of that interview. So, what follows are Thenal’s, Omman’s and Narval's answers to my questions.

Stone: Any words of wisdom you wish to share about going to festivals?

Thenal: Make sure you explore new foods that vendors carry. My discovery turned out to be something called ‘funnel cakes.’ After the third one, I found myself ready to some dancing to get rid of that excess energy.

Omman: One has to beware of those sliced green things called ‘jalapenoes.’ They burn going in, and as I found out this morning, the burn coming back out, too.

Narval: Take your time drinking those slushes. Drink them too fast and you will get what Stone calls a ‘brain freeze.’ Oh, the same thing is true if you eat your ice cream too fast. One other thing, don’t carouse with the mudbugs like Thenal and anger the clowns like Omman.

Thenal and Omman: Hey!

Stone: Okay, okay. That’ll be enough boys. What was the scariest thing you encountered at either festival?

Thenal: That mudbug that Omman attached to my ear clamped down hard. Those claws may not look real big but they can hurt.

Omman: I did not care for the guy in that clown suit. He made me run into that big pole. Yet, the guy juggling those fire sticks seemed a bit creepy. He set my hair on fire

Narval: Two things scared me: that giant lizard they called a ‘gator’ and Thenal singing karaoke. Make that three, Omman doing his ‘match’ routine wasn’t right. Almost set a few tents on fire before someone dunked his head in in some water.


Stone: Omman, don't punch Narval. What is the funniest thing you found at these festivals?

Narval: A tie between Omman being chased by that clown and Thenal running down the road with that crawfish hanging from his ear. Both of them screaming like a ‘baby.’

Thenal: When Stone tossed Narval into the nearby river and someone yelled “Gator.”

Omman: Yea, I agree. That’s the first time I every seen someone get up and walk on water.

Stone: What event provided you with the most entertainment or gave you the most fun?

Narval: I think we all agree on this one. We enjoyed the bands and their music.

Thenal: When the music starts, our feet start to move and we dance.

Omman: We just can’t help ourselves. If you could imagine, six Varnark dancing with abandon.

Stone: What did you learn while attending these festivals?

Omman: Be conscious of whom you dance with. I think some of those people on the dance floor were Ygi. One bit me on the arm between songs.

Thenal: Was that the one they had to carry off in an ambulance five minutes later.

Narval: Food poisoning.


Narval: Hey, watchit Omman.

Bang! Bop!

Thenal: If that’s the way you want it, Omman, let’s have at …

Kawop! Bang! Bang! Klump! Bop!

Stone here. I guess this is the end of this interview. My three Varnark have entered into their favorite past time: a Varnark free-for-all.

Until later - Clark Stone