Sunday, April 26, 2009
Sunday, April 26
Again, this morning reminded me that I do not care for that Daylight Saving Time. Too early. Yes, I’ve tried to sleep. Stone, Tement and Thenal conspire against me, not to mention someone named Mother Nature. Especially that bird who lands outside my window and calls to the other birds to join him on a singing quest. Also, why do they sound so cheerful? I make this to be a good reason for making bird stew.
Yet, beautiful flowers and green trees do greet us when we go outside. Before too long, they begin their assault on a few of us. I like sniffing flowers. I do not have that ‘hay fever’ that Thenal suffers with, but I do find this to be a bit hazardous if you are not careful. Not the sniffing of the flowers, but the sucking up a bee that you did not notice buzzing around earlier. Let me tell you, that is not something you wish to experience. My nose grew to twice it size. Looked like a big button occupied the middle of my face.
This above description pretty much describes my days for the last three or four weeks except for the bee incident. The one change I came across in this pattern came today. I discovered that the only person in the house was Stone. He seemed to be working on his computer. I know Penelope was around because I heard her earlier.
I open the door and stepped out onto the porch. The air smelt like fresh… emmm, fresh cut grass with a hint of honeysuckle. Then from my peripheral vision, I saw something blue and red flying at me from two different directions. This is when I was introduced to the particular item called "a water balloon."
After sliding to my right, I managed to dodge the blue balloon but not the red one. When it hit, the water splashed all over the left side of my face and trickled down the left side of my body. Uncontrolled shivers shot through my body as that cold water made its way into my pants.
It did not take me long to get moving. Within seconds I saw all colors of objects flying my direction. Before I was able commit it to a tree, their excellent shots soaked me from head to foot. I did manage to catch a couple of them though. After throwing one balloon at something that moved to my right, I realize that with Penelope. Too late, the balloon landed against her head. Her long dirty blonde hair stuck to her head as she wiped the water out of her eyes. Her smile told me that I was in trouble.
This is where the surprise comes in for me. She invited me to join her group. It looks as if they had this war well planned. It must have taken them at least two hours to fill all of those balloons. I do not know how many balloons Thenal and his group had, but Penelope had three 100-quart ice chests filled with water balloons. Thus the war began.
One of the better challenges in this game is to step out in the open and dodge all of those balloons tossed in your direction. It will definitely increase your reaction time to items up approaching that you see from your peripheral vision. I managed to dodge many, yet not all.
Then we heard the front door to Stone's trailer open up. The action stopped. When Stone stepped out through that door, both sides let balloons fly. He did not even bother to try to dodge them. After he cleared the water from his eyes, he just looked at both sides. He then turned and went back into the trailer.
We restarted the war between us. We were having so much fun that we did not hear him come up behind us. You know, when fighting in a water balloon war, there is no such a thing as cheating. But, he found a way. You see, Stone has this well. It is fairly deep. The water that comes out of it is extremely cold. He had a spray handle attached to a water hose.
When that cold water hit my back, I found myself up in a tree looking down. I watched him hose down the other three people of our team including Penelope. I hate to say it, but she looked like a wet Chihuahua. As the other side continued to laugh at our misfortune, he soaked them down.
It was a good thing he did not come out earlier because this stopped our little fun. We were almost out of balloons anyway.
My question to you is "Have you had your water balloon fight today?" The temperature for this last week has gotten into the 90s and here in Natchitoches. Ideal weather for a water balloon fight don't you think?
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Wednesday, April 22
When we last met, there was a question of Thenal's whereabouts. I found him the following morning. Found him up in the air. He looked to be sleeping. I called out his name and he woke up. Oh, by the way, I think I failed to mention that he had been attached to a giant kite made to resemble a giant spider.
When Thenal woke up and saw this, the high-pitched shrill he produced caused most of us to fall to the ground in agony. Dogs howled and cats shot under Stone’s trailer. It did not last too long because he fell into a fear coma.
He came out of this fear coma slightly when we forced a couple of few pieces of dark chocolate into his mouth. Yet, he was not able to participate in the festivities later that day.
Now to a new subject: Every time I turn around, you humans seem to be celebrating either a holiday or event. Then you use events to celebrate events. I don't want to think on this too much, because I'm afraid my brain will explode.
Today, I wish to cover the event known as Earth Day. Apparently, this day is set aside to make you humans aware of your environment and how you treat it. Stone states that there have been reports about global warming in the newscasts for the last couple of years.
One of these so-called greenhouse gases that these so-called experts claimed to increase global warming is called methane. At one time, we attempted to eliminate one big source of this gas, but it turned out disastrously. Our attempt to control Omman's emissions failed. He ballooned out to about two and half times its size and really looked miserable. Then that plug popped out. It knocked poor Thenal out; who stood 25 feet away by the way. Also, he happened to be bending over in front of a candle when that plug flew. We lost sight of Thenal as he crested over a nearby stand of trees 15 minutes ago.
Stone came out with a fire extinguisher wondering what the valdarna had happened. He said it sounded like a jet engine taking off followed by an explosion. That must have been when he landed beyond the trees. Not to mention the flaming crap that landed everywhere, literally.
Stone mentioned that some of the politicians were giving speeches about wind energy and global warming. He also laughs at what he calls the contradictions involved. According to Stone, most politicians can produce enough hot air inflate a hot air balloon in ten minutes. Also, swears that a single politician should be able to propel one of those portable wind generators, yet his/her hot air can still contribute to global warming. He finds it curious that the snow melts around Washington, DC when Congress is in session and there is a lively debate.
Enough on politicians: we also enjoyed our day. We discovered something Stone called a "mud run." This is where a group of humans get together to play in the mud. Most of them run through it using something called an ATV. We Varnark prefer to just jump on in and make a mess without one of those vehicles. I initiated a mud fight among us Varnark. I also lost. Mud covered me from head to foot.
Now, I must give everyone a warning pertaining to this. When one finishes playing in the mud, make sure he/she watches the mud off of their bodies. Never, I mean never, lie out in the sun with that mud on. Thenal, Omman, the twins, and I found ourselves unable to move. Who know that the sun would bake that mud into such a hard substance. Valdarna, we couldn't even move.
Now, I’ve always known that Stone has this special ability to get one motivated. When he cranked that chainsaw, I found that motivations. I also discovered that I had all types of strength to break from that clay bondage. I just hope he wouldn't cut the tree down in which we took refuge. One can find that he/she can be inspired to do the nearly impossible if given the proper motivation to do so.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Sunday, April 19
I think I may have covered this subject once in the past. The weather in this place is a bit screwy: temperatures warm one day but cold the next. Yesterday started off a bit cool and slightly windy. There seemed to be a battle between the sun and the clouds. In the morning, the sun ruled but by noon, the clouds conquered the sky.
The first clap of thunder found us in our usually hiding place: the cabinet above Stone's refrigerator. I wished Stone would stop storing that cereal up there. It is crowded enough with Thenal, Omman, the twins and me in there let alone these boxes of Crunchees.
Wait, I hear crunching sounds. Oh, Thenal has discovered the Crunchees. Then Stone announced that this area is under a tornado watch. My curiousity had piqued. I remembered the last time we encountered high winds and violent wind vortexes. I climbed out of the cabinet.
Fun trumps fear any day. We has so much fun the last time we wind surfed. Yes, I know. Some of Stone’s pieces of wood we commandeered for wind surfers came back as charcoal due to lightning strikes. He can afford to lose some of them.
Against Tement’s wishes, we broke out our wind surfers and found our way into the sky surfing the winds. Yes, we had to dodge treetops and lightning bolts. Thenal did not quite dodge that last bolt. He had a light charcoal look to him. To me, he looked like a burnt stick with a smile and eyes. What the heck, he had fun.
Granted, I had fun too. Yet, I don’t remember being so bruised up the last time we did this. This time I managed to dodge that tree though it seemed that several other trees reached out for my feet. Then I heard Omman yell, “Oh snap.” One tree successfully grabbed his board out from under him and he hit that limb and it went SNAP!
Stone told us last night that we can expect the same type of weather today. We got our boards and rubbed them down for another day's worth of flying fun. Stone shook his head and stated that he had not seen such a severe case of stupidity in his life. Thenal told him to look in the mirror. We got a good laugh out of that last night. We then put them away before going to bed.
This morning, I recalled Stone's smile. It did not seem too sincere. Come to think of it, I have not seen Thenal today. I found out that Stone had gone out early this morning. Omman said that Stone mumbled something about flying a kite. I guess I will check that out a little later. I wonder where Thenal is.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Sunday, April 12
What is it with you humans and your mythical creatures. A couple months ago this Cupid fella went around shooting lovers with his arrows. Last month, this mythical creature called a Leprechaun wearing green tights, drinking green beer, and hiding and hoarding gold popped up among the clover.
Now, this week a little woodland’s creature called Peter Cottontail hops around delivering these colored eggs to girls and boys. On occasion, Stone’s television set shows a rabbit who clucks and lays chocolate eggs.
Those weren’t chocolate eggs that Thenal stuck in his mouth yesterday. I believe Stone told him that they were rabbit pellets. Thenal had a strange look on his face. Then Stone said rabbit turds. Thenal got sick and started spitting all over the place.
The tradition on this holiday, as I understand this, is that humans go on these Easter egg hunts where children find and collect colorful decorated eggs. The one who collects the most can get a prize.
Part of the fun is the dyeing of the eggs. Stone tried to get us into the spirit by allowing us to dye some eggs. Actually, I did have fun. Not dyeing the eggs, but I had more fun dyeing Omman, Thenal and the twins. That is when I realized why Stone had us do this on the outside picnic table.
Stone’s mistake was to lie in the sun and falling to sleep. Now, we call him rainbow hair. To confuse him, we changed into these rabbit creatures, sat all around him holding these baskets of colored eggs, and clucked.
He did a double-take when he woke up. But Stone’s weird sense of humor came to light, and he said something about having Peter Cottontail rabbit stew. We scattered.
So far, we have encountered five mythical creatures in the past five months. The other two are Chris Kringle and Tom the Turkey. Then again, there are those monsters, goblins and ghosts during Halloween.
Stone said there were a couple more that pop up over the next few months. There is this creature that people curse because he makes their grass grow real fast. And then the three guys responsible for something called the Fourth of July celebration.
We do not know if Stone is being serious or not because Penelope giggled when he told us. But, there are times when she just giggles for no reason. We figure she is scheming.
Stone said the creature responsible for the rapid growth of grass is also what they call the act of cutting the grass: “Mow deLawn.” And the three characters who are responsible for the Fourth of July Celebration: “Snap, Crackle, Pop.”
I think I am being bamboozled here.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Wednesday, April 8
This story falls into the category of jokes that would have been perfect for April Fools Day. If only I had the forethought to come up with the idea in the first place.
In retrospect, we do like the idea of having more daylight in the evening so that we could play around without bumping into things. Several of us still would like to get our hour of sleep back.
Yet, not all people made that change last month. Take Penelope for instance. It is not too often that we get to laugh at her without fear of retaliation. She did not know that the government had changed the date for the start of Daylight Saving Time.
Not only did she not find out that she was a month late, she went the wrong direction with the clock. Well, the way this story goes is that we were to set our clocks back by an hour. Penelope set her up an hour. For the last week, she showed up two hours late for functions. Granted, she was very well rested too. She could not figure it out until Stone let the secret out. When he asked if she set her clock back, she slapped her forehead.
I wished I could have taken a photo of her face when the realization of what she had done hit. But, I know better. Normally, we would be on the floor enjoying a good laugh. But when the person who was the source for our jocularity has a tendency of pulling serious and scary pranks, you learn to choke down a good laugh. Thenal and Omman quickly left the room, but they did not go far enough.
Penelope looked at me when she heard the laughter. I shrugged my shoulders. She disappeared and soon the laughter stopped and screaming started.
When they came back in, I noticed that their pants road a little higher on their waists and they walked funny. By the way, what is a wedgie?
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Sunday, April 05
Hello again. Got a chance to get outside and discovered that green exploded all over the place since the weather warmed. Green is not the only color that has popped up. I have found flowers that range in color from red to white to yellow and even seen a couple blue ones. I could not figure out the scent to those blue ones. Then Stone said that they were plastic.
Some of the humans seem to be having trouble with these flowers. It has something to do with something called ‘hay fever.’ I’m confused. I don’t see hay anywhere. Then Stone said they were allergic to ‘pollen.’ This is beyond me.
Apparently, Thenal apparently has the same problem. There are times when he sneezed so hard that my chest hurts.
Unfortunately, we have discovered or should I say rediscovered a few things. First and foremost, we all relearned what Stone calls the "Louisiana Ant Stomp." It seems that we all stepped on the same fire ant bed. Before too long, we found ourselves bouncing around, stomping our feet, and slapping our legs.
It wasn't funny. At least not at first, but when Tement showed us the video. We fell off the couch laughing at our unusual dancing techniques. It was hilarious. It was like nature pulled its own April Fools’ joke.
Now, about April Fools' Day, I wish to report some more antics that went on a few days ago. This includes pranks pulled on Stone as well as others. Especially when we found that ‘whoopee cushion.’
Everywhere we went, we’d hear the sound ‘Ptthhhht!’ when someone sat down. Most everyone would laugh. Though some people lack a sense of humor. Especially, that big football player who sat at the end of the bar with that woman. He tied Thenal in a knot for slipping it into the girl’s chair. Seeing Thenal tied into the shape of a pretzel, now, that was hilarious.
Later, someone slipped cayenne pepper into Stone’s vegetable juice. I’m not going to say whom. After consuming the juice in a single gulp, his face turned red as he fanned his hand over his opened mouth. He coughed a few times and acted as if he could not breathe. If he thought that iced water would help put it out, he had to think again. This is since Thenal substituted vodka for the water. Stone spit it out after he drank that first gulp.
We just sat on the couch displaying our ‘innocent little angle’ expressions. But when he looked at us, I could not hold it any longer and exploded in laughter. Then, the others joined me.
He got us back though. On the table before us were some of those delicious cinnamon cookies that Penelope brought him. He ate a few of them this morning with no side effects. We also made sure that was cinnamon sprinkled on the cookie tops. After a few bites, we discovered that Penelope cooked the red pepper into the cookie.
Fire shot filled my mouth and I started breathing in huffs. Omman’s and Thenal’s eyes bulged out. I found myself fanning my open mouth with my hands. Stone said we looked like the ‘Keystone Cops’ tripping over ourselves trying to get to our water bottles.
When I came back into the kitchen, I found Stone sitting at the table drinking some milk. He opened a pack of gum and put a piece in his mouth. Oh, the mint smell caught the attention of my nose. I reached for the pack when he snatched the pack off of the table and put it in his pocket.
Then Thenal and Omman came in. They asked in unison, “who had the gum?” I pointed at Stone. He walked over to his desk and locked it into the top drawer.
So, our last prank of the night was to slip into the den and get that gum out of his desk. Thenal picked the lock, which surprised me. But he barely got the lock re-latched before Stone returned. In the mean time, we had to hide the gum someplace and try to retrieve it later.
We had forgotten the gum until Stone fussed about his gum being missing yesterday. We got to it last night. Talking about bad tasting, this stuff tasted awful. Every time I brought my teeth together, this bad taste filled my mouth. It like to made me sick.
Thenal asked if he looked as green as the spring foliage. He did. Actually, we all did. Finally, I threw mine away. If that was mint flavored gum, then I am a Ygi. Let me take a look at that pack. Hmmm, by the way, what in the valdarna is ‘garlic gum.’
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Wednesday, April 1
Oh, my. Stone told us that the humans celebrate an unofficial holiday that would interest us Varnark. He calls it ‘April Fools Day.’ Though, I think this could be a slight against us. Yet, he caught our attention as he explained. We live for practical jokes and pranks.
We discovered that you humans could pull some ‘humdingers’ (as Stone says) in the area of pranks. Stone and Garnara pulled one on us Varnark. The thing is, they pulled the same one on us a few months back during Halloween. This time it involved something called a ‘chainsaw.’
I woke to the sound of a loud buzzing sound. Then this chain came through the right side of the door spitting out bits of wood. This spinning chain traveled down and around. When the middle of the door collapsed onto the ground, there stood this dark figure wearing a hockey mask. He let out this evil laugh and pumped this ‘chainsaw’ a couple of times. The thing roared to life.
I have a vague memory of a loud boom to my left, but then a chill hit me. I looked around and found a gapping hole in the wall where the window used to be. Then I realized that I was the only one left in the room. I heard the distant screams of Thenal and Omman fading.
The figure stepped through the opening in the door. He pumped that chainsaw and it roared to life. My muscles rebelled against me. I found myself in a position of not being able to move.
Then the chainsaw died. I heard Stone’s laughter from underneath that mask. Then this flash blinded me. Tement came through the door and took my photo. Then he fell to the floor laughing. Stone lifted his mask, set the chainsaw down on the floor, and leaned against the door as he continued to laugh.
If it weren’t for that chocolate pudding, Stone would have found himself tied up and hanging upside down along with Tement. Tement is still laughing even though we have him hanging like a pinata on one of Stone’s oak trees. I am thinking about going out and giving him a whack anyway.
Now, another prank Stone pulled showed us another aspect of human nature. I did not realize how much humans hated snakes until Stone pulled this trick. He placed this ‘rubber snake’ in the road that had fishing line tied on it. When a car comes up, he would start pulling the rubber snake across the road.
The first car swerved into the opposite lane in order to hit the snake but kept going. Stone reset the snake in the road. A second car did the same thing. This time, Stone started moving the snake, and they stopped and back up over it again. They ran over that thing five times.
That snake gave me an idea to get Stone back. I remembered how he jumped when Penelope threw that rubber snake at him. So, I coiled that rubber snake up and put it in the top drawer of his desk. A factor I did not take into account intervened. Penelope came in to get something out of Stone’s desk.
When that thing sprung out of the drawer, she screamed and snatched it out of mid-air. I do not know where the knife came from but she cut its head off. Then she looked at the thing a little closer and then looked around at us. If looks could kill, that stare she gave us drove a chill down my spine.
That is when the ultimate joke came about. Knowing Penelope’s tendency to seek retribution for such acts against her, I beat the others out the front door and hid in a crawl space under the front porch. Where they went, I have no idea. While there, I overheard Stone ask Penelope if she found her rubber snake. She said she found it where I had hid it. Then Penelope called out to all of us who were hiding, “Hey fellas, April Fools.”
Their laugher is still ringing in my ears.