Sunday, March 29, 2009

Stone Speaks


Sunday, March 28

Hello, Stone here. I do with to apologize for the long absence in my posting. I had started another project and had forgotten to work on this particular project. It is not that I have gotten bored with my alien blog. I just can’t seem to work on it with the regularity I would like to work on it.

My goal will be to write at least two a week. I plan to post on Sundays and Wednesdays. I hope I am able to keep up with this schedule. My first blog post will be this coming Sunday.

Well, until later – Clark Stone.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Friday the Thirteenth Reprise

Friday, March 13

Eerrrriicck! Wham! Boowhaahaahaa! Clang! Clang!

Alright fellas, cut it out. I know it is Friday the Thirteenth again. Thenal, put those chains up. If you drop them on your foot, you’ll ….

Bam! Aaaoooooooooo! Thump, thump, thump!

As soon as you get through hopping around the room Thenal, put those chains back outside.

Again, I think the humans plan to go watch some type of movie. The last movie did not scare as much as what we saw this morning. Stone walking through the trailer in just a pair of shorts. Aaaaaahhhh. I can’t get the image out of my mind.

Earlier this week, we hid his bathing suit to keep him from scaring the little children at that hotel. Those who do not believe us have not seen him in a pair of swimming trunks. I suspect if the guests at the hotel knew what we done that we would bestow great honors on us. If he would have succeeded, I would not know how long many of them would have to go through counseling to get that image out of their mind.

I guess it wasn’t as bad as a group of Varnark singing uncontrollably can be extremely scary. But the scariest sight I have seen turns out to be Stone attempting to dance. Everybody runs for their lives when music begins and Stone starts to flail his arms around and dance like a madman.

Now, the scariest thing started this morning: a cold hard rain. This cut into our fun time. The local news predicted that this rain and cold weather will last the rest of the day. Then there was that loud rumble of thunder that accompanied that bright flash. It is at this point that we found ourselves crammed into that cabinet space above Stone’s refrigerator. Now, the real bad part is that Omman ate a whole plate of beans early this morning.

Bawhaaaahaaahaaa! Kawoom! Rumble, rumble!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Torture Session

Wednesday, March 11

I wish to report that we recovered from our lack of sleep. Well, let me explain a bit. This past weekend turned out to be a training session for the group. Or as Thenal put it, "The Torture Session."

Our assignment: to prevent any member of a rouge Ygi group from attempting to molest Stone. Though, I do not know of a decent Ygi who would try. After he took six of them out two months ago, most of the Ygi have tried to avoid him. Especially the rouge groups. Yet, they have vowed vengeance.

Tement wanted to see how the group would react to various distractions and situations. Also, he forbade me from telling the others about this Daylight Saving thingy.

In other words, Tement wanted to torture the others to see how they would react to being treated in such a manner.

Now, the first obstacle came when he told the others that we were a security detail. The ranks started to grumble. But then again, what can one expect from a group of fun-loving Varnark? If it involves having fun, we want to participate, not watch.

The first insult came during our Friday morning travel to Shreveport so Stone could attend this writer’s convention. He required us to pile into the back of his car for the hour and a half ride to Shreveport. When I said back, I mean the trunk. I did not really care for this part either.

Not only did we have to deal with the stuffiness and cramped space of the trunk, we had to deal with Omman’s gas discharges. Not to mention that Stone needs to fix the shocks on his car. For every bump he hit, we came away with a lump or bruise because we bounced against the trunk lid.

The group started to relax a bit Friday night when Stone attended that reception. The food had them salivating though. I have to admit that it caught my interest as well. But, we were not to eat anything. The others got angry with Stone when he refused to bring them some of the food.

Then he whets their appetite a little. He brought us one piece of something called a ‘pecan praline’ and one cookie. He also brought some crackers with something called ‘onion dip.’ They were delicious, but this turned out to be part of his torture routine. Varnark*, the others fumed. I can hear them plotting to toss Stone into the hotel pool. After a few moments, they decided to raid the goodies room instead.

That did not turn out to be a hot idea. Or should I say, the raid turned out hotter than they expected. They found the pralines and cookies gone. As for the crackers and dip, they found plenty of that. It wasn’t until they devoured the whole lot that they discovered that the dip had been spiked with habaneros. I finally found them in one of the ice machines. There goes that batch of ice.

Stone claimed that many interesting activities had been scheduled throughout the day Saturday. Actually, this turned out to be an exercise in boredom. The others did not understand what he got out of the writing sessions; especially since he did not attend any of them. Most of the time, he sat at a table in the foyer taking photos. Even so, he claimed to have had fun. All I know is that he took a ‘bucket-load of photos’ at this conference. His words, not mine.

That night, he brought us a couple of bags of egg rolls and mini-meat pies. The egg rolls disappeared. Thenal, Omman and the twins attacked the egg rolls like a pack of ravenous animals. I must admit, they tasted great. The mini-meat pies tasted great as well but had too much pepper in it.

The others began to moan and groan. They ate too much too fast. Thenal accused Stone of torturing them with good food. Stone told him that he did not force Thenal to ‘wolf’ down that food like that. Thenal looked as if he swallowed one of those so-called volleyballs. Their stomachs stuck out so far that someone mentioned that they looked pregnant.

It turns out that they were so uncomfortable that they could not go to sleep until after midnight. Stone got a single room, so we had to share the second bed. I knew better than that. I slept on the floor. If I didn’t, I would have to contend with being poked in the ribs or bopped in the face by an elbow.

Stone did not help matters. He sounded like a freight train passing through the room. Then he pulls this Daylight Saving Time stunt.

Somewhere between midnight and this morning, someone stole an hour. Where, we had greeted the morning with daylight; Sunday morning, the sky greeted us with total darkness. Thenal and the others wanted to find the person who stole the hour during the night. I do not think they get the concept. Then again, they had not awaken fully yet.

This finally brought about a unified action of the others against Stone. They attempted to throw him into the hotel pool. They have short memories. He reminded them why they shouldn’t have tried. Stone gave them flying lessons. The four Varnark flew in every direction and landed in the water near the center of the pool. At least this time, they remembered that they could swim instead of panicking when they landed in the water.

Overall, they did not do too well with their training. But, I hope they did learn something from this experience.

* Just like saying "Man!" in the human language.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Daylight Saving What?


Monday, March 9

Hello my friends. The topic today is no where near nor dear to my heart. I do have a question. Whoever came up with this concept of this ‘Daylight Saving Time’ should be punished. My punishment would be to place them into a room and force them to listen to Thenal sing for 24 hours. More than that would be considered inhumane punishment.

Tempted to do that to Stone for not warning us about this horrific event. We taught him a lesson. He had to deal with five grumpy Varnark for the hour and a half ride back to his place.

When he woke us, we thought he was pulling one of his pranks. I looked out the window and I could not see the telltale sign of morning. Usually, at this time of the morning, one side of the sky to the east starts to shift to a dark blue then to a powder blue.

This morning, we found total darkness in all directions of the sky. I said something stupid like ‘won’t someone pinch me so I can wake from this nightmare.’ Thenal shouldn’t have done that. I hope he did not leave a bruise. He got his. As we passed the hotel pool, I bumped him into it.

I think he was walking in his sleep as well as dreaming. What about, I do not know, but when he came up, he was yelling ‘Don’t flush! Don’t flush!’

Come to find out, Daylight Saving Time affected others as well. This one guy shot out of his room yelling he was late for an interview. My question on this is do humans try to impress a future employer by interviewing wearing a pair of shorts and a T-shirt?

Now, the idea of moving the hand to the clock up one-hour thus gaining an hour of sunlight just does not compute. I checked the statistics put out by some weather web site. They do not bear out this idea of an extra hour. I only found two-minute increase in daylight from Saturday to Sunday. You humans confuse us Varnark.

It seems that I am just rambling at the present time so guess I will let this post go for now. So, I hope you enjoy your extra hour of sunlight in the evening. I, myself, want my morning hour back.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Trouble in Traffic


Friday, March 6

Today’s subject covers troubles that we run into from time to time. It does not matter what the problem or trouble is but how one deals with that problem or trouble.

For instance, the other day, we slipped into the back of Stone's car. You see, we discovered that he was heading to town. Feeling the wall of our rooms close around us –not to mention the boredom, we wanted to see something different. I think Stone calls this ‘Cabin Fever.’ We needed to hunt for some excitement. Soon, we found it.

Now, Stone defines the term "split-second" as the time difference between when a traffic light turns green and the car behind you starts to honk his horn. Let me preface this a bit; some younglings or teen-agers in a vehicle behind us began to harass Stone. They screamed and yelled as well as honk their horn at every traffic stop. They got more obnoxious at each intersection.

I thought they were going to start trouble at the second intersection when they jumped out of the car. We discovered different though. The just ran around their car and hopped back into the car.

Stone stopped at the end of one of the bridges that crosses Cane River in Natchitoches. Again these clowns -- Stone's words -- started their heckling. They made fun of Stone's car, called him an ‘old fart,’ and asked if we needed a tow. I thought I heard one say, "why don't you build a fence around it to keep the dogs out?" Narval wanted to transform into a large pit bull and tear the bumper off of their car.

Just before the light turned green, Stone’s car started spitting and sputtering and then died. Stone said one of those colorful metaphors that we have been told not to say to other humans. He turned the key but the engine refused to catch. The car was in front of the line at the traffic light.

Then the light turned green. These clowns started honking their horn again. One of them yelled a colorful metaphor at Stone about getting his car out of the way. Stone hopped out of the car and stared back at those teen-agers.

I do not think they knew how big he was. And his stare is enough to make us shrink down into the back seat. The horn as well as their voices fell silent. When I looked, I noticed that they began to roll their windows up and they too shrunk down into their seats. I spotted the driver’s eyes through the steering wheel of the vehicle.

Stone pushed his car out of the intersection to let the traffic through. When the car pulled through the intersection, their windows remained up. Except for the driver, all I saw as they passed were foreheads and eyeballs.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Mardi Gras Parade


Monday, March 2

Another story about our Mardi Gras experience. This one is centered around one of our missions. We – Tement, Thenal, Omman and I – were assigned to watch the activities an Ygi research group who were taking samples of human DNA. The five Ygi research team turned out to be harmless. After a couple of hours, they finished their work.

Before too long, both groups got into the spirit of Mardi Gras. To fit in, both groups came dressed in costumes and masks. Again, some of us appeared as human younglings called children. The Ygi did the same.

Crafts the humans called ‘floats’ came down the road. The shapes of these floats signified some type of them, but we could not figure the theme. Some designs denoted faces where others denoted objects. All the floats contained people dressed in costumes who tossed out all types of goodies.

The men, women, and children along the parade route called out, “Throw me something, Mister.” They called out to get the attention of those tossing out those ‘throws.’

The people on the floats tossed out all types of goodies. Beads, footballs, flying disks, and candy came flying out into the crowds. I think they also tossed a flat-disked shaped item called a ‘doubloon.’ We collected all we could get our hands on.

About halfway through the parade, I discovered that Thenal had gotten into a competition with an Ygi named Bordaz. They both stood about three foot tall. They began collecting beads to determine who could collect the most and still remain on their feet. The first one to collapse would lose.

Soon, it became apparent that they got over their heads in this contest of theirs, literally. Before too long, they had so many beads around their necks that they could not keep their balance. They wobbled when they walked. Eventually, they got to the point that when they stood still, they had to lean up against a wall or pole.

Actually, they caught the attention of several humans. These humans laughed at the actions of the two. They then got into the spirit of the competition and added bead around their necks.

While they were doing that, the rest of us were collecting cups, beads, candies, flying discs along with some stuffed animals. Omman caught the attention of this teen-aged human girl. She gave him a kiss on the side of his face and said he looked so cute.

He turned the color of one of Stone’s red peppers. We had to hold him down because he started to float without the use of his levitation belt. We tend to do that during certain times of joy.

The contest between Thenal and Bordaz came to a climatic conclusion. They both stood side-by-side to see if they could take a measure of how many beads they both had. Then both fell over toward each other. We and the other Ygi agreed that it had to be a tie since both fell at the same time. They were leaning against each other holding each other up.

I almost got one of my New Year’s resolutions. We left Thenal in that field leaning against that Ygi. The Ygi did the same. But, alas, he managed to get free and bring all of those beads to Stone’s trailer. There goes the resolution of getting rid of some ugly fat.

Thenal took photos of them for the scrapbook, but Thenal erased them before we could download them. We now have only one problem. What to do with all of those beads and other throws.

The flying disks and footballs come in handy when we want to pass the time. We will just go outside and play with them. The stuffed animals sit on a shelf in our room. As for the beads, we have no idea what to do with them. Though we did tie Thenal up with the beads after he threw that fit for leaving him behind.

We also used some of the beads to make a chain to keep Omman from floating off. He floated behind the trailer for two days after the parade had ended. We won’t let him live this down when he comes out of that trance.