Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Mardi Gras Pet Parade


Wednesday, February 25

These celebrations seem to go on all over the place. Not only do the humans celebrate it, they also make their pets participate.

Tement thought it would be a great idea for us to participate in one of these pet parades. Why, I have not figured out just yet. I think he wanted to humiliate us. I suspect Stone suggested it.

I do not mind becoming an animal but I am not that crazy about being turned into a dog. Stone referred to us as mutts. His derogatory remarks almost got him bit. Also, the fleas and the urge to sniff someone’s nazda don’t appeal to me.

Then I found out about those stupid costumes that we would have to wear. Now, the chain collars looked nifty. The whole situation was almost enough to make us take a bite out of someone. I, myself, wanted to take a chunk out of Stone’s hide.

For the to town, we piled in the back of Stone’s truck and rode with our heads hanging over the side of the truck bed. Every time Thenal opened his mouth though, his tongue would slap me across my face. Yuck! At least I didn’t sniff Omman nazda when he passed gas. Thenal passed out on that one.

The ultimate humiliation came when Stone attached those leashes to our collars. This really turned out to be a demeaning event. At least we weren’t turned into cats.

Penelope showed up with her pet tarantula on her shoulder. Talking about parting of the crowds, people did not share her passion for the eight-legged creature. I wonder what would have happened if she would have brought my three remote controlled versions.

We felt better when we discovered that dogs ruled the parade. Yet, someone forgot to tell the Ygi. A whole group of them came as cats. This got the attention of every dog on the street. Omman and Thenal pulled tight on their leashes which caused the chains to tighten around their neck. Stone’s strong grip on those leashes like to had choked them.

Three other dogs got loose though. Valdarna, one should have seen those cats scatter. When the parade started, I finally spotted where they took refuge. On the bottom limb of an oak tree sat seven cats watching as the parade passed them by.

Yet, the parade got delayed by 15 minutes due to rain. Stone and Tement took shelter under an umbrella. As for the rest of us, we made fools of ourselves frolicking in the rain.

When we got home, we continued to frolic around in the yard. Stone refused to let us into the trailer. He said something about us smelling too much like wet dog. Whatever that is supposed to mean.

We forgot about Stone’s cat though. Laughing at those Ygi being chased up a tree has come back to haunt us. Tement took a photo of us for our scrapbook. It shows four mutts sitting on the bottom limb of an oak tree in Stone’s front yard with a cat sitting at the base of that tree primping.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Valentine's Day


Monday, February 23

Today I wish to talk on a subject of Valentine’s Day. We spent most of that day in hiding in our favorite spot above Stone's refrigerator after Stone told us that there is a creature flying about shooting people with arrows in the name of love.

What got us out of that cabinet that Saturday turned out to be a dance. Someone held a Valentine’s Day dance. When it comes to dancing, we can’t help ourselves. Something about fast paced music causes us to move in uncontrollable ways. And we like it.

Once we got there though, we realized that this dance was going to be a bit different. For one, the music tempo seemed slower. Then most of the humans were dancing in pairs. No one bounced around like some of the past dances we’ve attended.

Stone recommended that we go as something called ‘teenagers.’ He was right; we would’ve looked out of place if we went as our usual younglings shapes.

We found ourselves dancing with these cute young human females. I know I felt different. I really was not interested in this slow dancing, but these young human females did seem to catch my interest.

My eyes fell upon this one with long black hair. She seemed familiar and soon I found myself dancing with this cute thing. She felt soft and her smile made my knees week. My heart raced as if I had been filled with fear but it was actually exhilaration.

Until that point, the only kiss I had experienced was made out of chocolate. She gave me one that almost sent me into orbit. I did not want the exhilaration to end.

But all good things must come to an end. That exhilaration changed into fear instantly when her boyfriend showed up. Valdarna, he was humongous. No one warned me about those. A brick wall had nothing compared to him. She said something about that if I wanted to live that I had better get running.

Thus, I am no longer scared of this 'Cupid' character. I think the monster I am hiding from this time is call Joseph.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Friday the Thirteenth


Sunday, February 15

I do not know what it is about these humans. Along with holidays, they have these superstitions and unusual event days. For instance, I found that some of these humans are scared of a day called Friday the Thirteenth.

Some people stay inside and avoid doing anything dangerous because of this superstition. One character told me that every good job he has ever gotten happened on the Friday the Thirteenth.

I know these humans have horror movies made about the date. They have these people chasing after each other with axes and chainsaws. What about this character who flies around shooting people with arrows in the name of love. Does that sound hinky to you? It does to me.

All I know, if there is one human to watch out for and that is the human called Penelope. Not only does she carry a machete, she also carries a katana, a paint gun, three 45-caliber pistols and something called an Uzi.

Thenal teed her off last week and he came in with red, green and yellow patches of paint all over him. Knowing how fast he can run, this means she is a good shot as well.

Talking about Thenal, another scary sight is that photo Stone put out in the front of his trailer of Thenal. That has kept those crows out of his garden. Actually, we found two that looked as if they were scared to death.

Wait a second, Stone’s phone is ringing.

Hello. Okay, tell Stone that you’re on your way over from a beach called Crystal for a visit. You want to pick up your machete and hockey mask. Sure, we would be glad to come out and play. Bye.

That’s strange. Funny, that’s his fourth call tonight. He sure sounds friendly. I can’t wait to meet him. I guess he is one of Stone’s new friends though I do not remember him mentioned anyone by the name of Jason before. Oh, well.

Whack! Whack! Whack!

Sounds like someone at the door. Got to go now.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Pat, tat, tat, tat, tat, tat

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Equipment Malfunctions


Thursday, February 12, 2009

Ever had problems with equipment that caused you to want to pull your hair out. I ran into such a problem the other day with one of my holographic devices that almost made me bald.

No matter what I did to the device, I could not get one of the colors to come up in the image. First, the red refused to appear. Then I got the red to work but lost the green. Finally, I get the green to work but lose the blue. The images I used came from a group of photos from Stone’s computer of some of my group.

Granted, we may not be the best looking lot to you humans. But you all do not look all that great to us. I noticed the photos of Stone and Penelope as well as others did not really look right.

But when I pulled up a photo of Thenal, I realized that one of the colors did not look all that hot. He took on an ugly green color as if he had eaten something that disagreed with.

Now, I understand why Stone locks up his hammers and sledges before he starts working on his equipment. Until today, I had been confused trying to figure out why he did so and why he called them ‘weapons of destruction.’

What I figured out was that this action prevents one from having easy access to these tools. After the second time I adjusted it, I pulled up a different image. Everything looked yellow. After the last time when I got a purplish color, I would have beaten that holographic imaging device into a pile of useless junk. The only thing that saved it was I did not have access to a hammer.

Now, the frustrating part came when Stone sat down and pulled photos from a different directory and the image corrected itself. How was I to know that Thenal and Omman manipulated the photos last night.

Stone was not much help either. He said something about having “a short between the keyboard and the chair.” Whatever that is supposed to mean.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Smile in the Sky


Sunday, February 8, 2009

I must say that we Varnark as a race can scare easily. Yes, sometimes from our own shadows. Though that character that Stone talks about named ‘Cupid.’ Stone claims that this ‘Cupid’ flies around shooting people with arrows to make them fall in love with each other. This does sound a bit scary. No, you say. You haven’t seen the characters we hang around with.

We get scared of things that turn out to be harmless. Being in a strange place, we do not know what to expect. On this night, shadows are not what had us spooked. This is during the time when the ultimate shadow fell upon the land called night. What caught us off guard and spooked us hung low in the sky.

We Varnark are a curious type. When we first landed here on this planet, it had been years since we encountered the light/dark cycle in which you humans call ‘day.’

So, for days we would marvel at the transition from daylight to darkness and the other way around. The color of the sky with large puffs of white water vapor floating across them kept us entertained for days as well. Yes, I know, it does not take much to entertain us Varnark.

So last week when Stone called us out to the lake to observe a site in the sky, we had to look. Many of us have never seen what you called a ‘Moon’ until we landed five months ago. On the nights that a ‘Full Moon’ appeared, we would study its shape, its shadows and its brightness.

Stone said something about the ‘Man in the Moon.’ It is some type of legend about being able to see a man’s face on the surface of the Moon. Over the last few months, we got to observe this ‘Full Moon’ several times. We never did see the guy though. Sometimes, I begin to worry about Stone.

On this night though, we got to see a marvel that we had not thought about: phases of the Moon. We know about the Full Moon but that only last about a day. The rest of the time the Moon is changing phase from Full Moon to New Moon or the other way around.

When we looked up, we saw a crescent or sickle shape in the sky. Stone said that the New Moon passed a few days earlier.

Thenal pointed out that it looked like a smile hanging low in the sky above the lake. I was surprised that he made the association. He then expanded this association by saying that it looked sinister and evil and that something is about to happen.

This caused the hairs on the back of my neck to stand up. Not the sinister smile; the fact that Thenal is thinking. That scares me more than anything.

Then Thenal pointed at the Crescent Moon and yelled that it winked. Things really hit the fan when Omman dropped one of my mechanical tarantulas on Thenal’s head. Talking about screaming and hollering, Thenal’s voice hit a few high notes that I didn’t think he had the capability of reaching.

He disappeared. I picked up my torn-apart tarantula. Valdarna, I wished I had thought to do that. I mean the tarantula was a great idea. We found Thenal up a nearby tree.

Just at that moment, Stone’s cat screamed. I looked around and found the others had joined Thenal among the limbs. Okay, okay, I was up there as well hugging the limb above Thenal. When I looked through the leaves at the spot Thenal pointed out, I saw a twinkling star. I must say that it reminded me of a winking eye.

As for the cat screaming, Stone held his cat and said that someone stepped on the poor thing’s tail. Oh, by the way, that cat scares us at times as well.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Can’t Outrun Our Shadows


Thursday, February 5, 2009

A few days ago we discovered that you humans will celebrate almost anything. When we Varnark are younglings, we were fascinated with our shadows. Actually, Thenal was scared of his for a while. Every time he saw his shadow he would take off running and wonder why a shadow is able to keep up with him. But that is a different story.

I discovered that on a particular day that humans use the shadow of an unusual animal to predict six weeks of weather. They call it ‘Groundhog Day;’ I think. It seems that each region has their own particular creature which predicts the weather. For instance, in a place called Punxsutawney, there is a creature called Phil – a groundhog – who if he sees his own shadow predicts that there will be six more weeks of winter.

When Thenal heard of this, he wanted to schedule a trip up there to blindfold the creature. Thenal hates cold weather. But then again, all us Varnark do.

Now, Stone said that in the Louisiana area they used a crawfish name Claude for forecasting the weather. If he comes out of his hole and sees his shadow, then it is six more weeks of winter. He also says that this crawfish is under extreme stress. If Claude the Crawfish predicts more bad weather, rumor has it that he may end up being boiled in hot water along with some Cajun spices. I sure don't want his job.

All this talk about shadows has rekindled Omman interested in his shadow. Though, he is not afraid of his shadow like Thenal. Yet, Omman experimented with his shadow.

Warning: By the way, don’t do this at home; if you do, make sure you have plenty of witness who need a good laugh.

Here are my observations of Omman's experiment:
  • When he quickly lifted his right foot, he discovered that his shadow was connected to his left foot.
  • When he quickly lifted his left foot, he discovered that his shadow was connected to his right foot.
  • When Omman quickly lifted both feet, he busted his aa..., I mean the shadow is connected to his nazda.
Needless to say, Tement refuses to allow me to upload this hilarious video for security reasons.