Saturday, January 31, 2009

Inauguration Visit


Saturday, January 31, 2009

Last week, Tement took us to a place called Washington, D.C., to shadow another group of Ygi. Intelligence told us that more than 2 million people had been expected to attend. Having a group of Ygi in a crowd that big is like tossing a Varnark into a chocolate factory. They could go nuts over the large selection of humans.

Stone called this event an inauguration. He said that the nation we landed in had placed a new leader into office. He calls them politicians. Tement will not allow us to use the word that our equipment translated that into.

This makes me wonder why anyone would want to be a politician. Now, those signs we saw when we first landed make more sense now.

Well, when we got up there, we found out that we had arrived a day early. The snow looked so beautiful and undisturbed. That did not last long. We started building snowmen. Then the Ygi research team appeared.

We stared at each other for a second. That’s when all Valdarna broke loose. Snowballs few and laughter rang out. Then three humans wearing uniforms called out for us to halt. That was their mistake. I know we should not have done it, but in my opinion, they asked for it. We stopped for a full second. Then both the Ygi and us began to pummel those officers with snowballs.

Then they got reinforcements. We took off running. I do not know where the Ygi hid, but we found ourselves hiding in some trees. They did not have snowballs; they were carrying weapons that could hurt.

Now, when we appear in public, we usually disguise ourselves as human younglings. I don’t think they would have done anything to us, but we weren’t going to take any chances.

It was not easy but we managed to slip into the festivities the following morning. Stone was correct; there had to have been more than 2 million people here to celebrate this "inauguration."
An advantage of taking the form of a human youngling is that the humans usually do not pay any attention to us while we move around the crowd. I see several disadvantages in that we can’t see what is going on around us. But that is usually canceled when someone places one of us on his/her shoulders.

The main disadvantage of being a human youngling at these types of event is that our head height is about the same as many human adults nazdas. With so many people in close proximity, it was bound to happen. We got stuck behind a group of humans who must have eaten bean burritos earlier in the day. Every time we turned around, some guy in that group plastered us with a violent discharge of gas. Thenal said something about finding some corks.

Now, Omman pulled out a lighter he picked up from somewhere. I tried to stop him but he done lit it when the guy in front of him let one go. The human started slapping his backside and everyone began to laugh.

Omman should have known better to stand directly behind the guy when he lit that thing. He ran and stuck his head into some of that wet slush. When he pulled his head out of the slush, we noticed that the flash fire burnt his eyebrows clean off. I bit my lip in my attempt to keep from laughing.

Other than that, the trip up to this inauguration was a bit boring.

Well, until later, Narval.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Political Humor


Thursday, January 29, 2009

Hello, Stone here again. I am sorry for missing the last week. Time seemed to pass too fast. This following post had been intended for last Thursday.

I have chosen this time to come out and speak because of a historic event. Last Tuesday, January 20, we are inaugurating our 44th president. Although I did not vote for him, I hope Barack Obama does well as he take office.

With that being said, I do not know why anyone would want to be a politician. Being a politician, whether you are a Democrat or a Republican, makes you a target for political humor. Not withstanding, this situation does too.

This barb is not aimed directly at Barack Obama. But it is aimed at all politicians. This is also done in the name of humor with no maliciousness involved.

The main reason I am happy that the inauguration is completed is that now the event no longer monopolizes the media. It seemed that everywhere I looked - television, newspapers, magazines, and Internet - all I see are reports on the Inauguration activity.

There is this idea of having too much of a good thing. I remember all of the historic coverage when Reagan, Bush, Clinton and Bush were inaugurated. I got tired of this activity during that time as well.

It is like the presidential or any election. One can be happy because his/her candidate won but most everyone is glad that they no longer have to hear all those news reports, speeches and advertisements any longer.

It is like my older brother’s high school commencement. The speaker was a senator and gave a long speech. When he finished, the student’s in my brother’s graduating class clapped loud and long. One, they were happy he finally finished. Two, they were afraid if they stopped clapping, he would start talking again.

I will be building a few posts based on these events. Again, this is done in the spirit of humor and is not intended to offend.

Thanks, Stone.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Sarcasm – Again?


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The only thing I think Thenal learned from his actions with that hairy biker is not to mouth off to hairy bikers. But there are others that he need to watch out for as well.

One day Penelope came in and asked what could she do with her tarantula while she was out. Thenal popped up and said. “We could always dip it in batter and fry it up for supper.”

This pissed me off at first because he came up with a perfect retort for Penelope’s question. Then I realized at whom he aimed that retort. This is another example of why one needs to be careful of where, when and whom one answers sarcastically. For a second, I forgot about Penelope’s crazy streak. So did Thenal. Now, I am glad I had not said it.

I had somewhat expected her to react immediately, but she did not. Actually, Penelope pretended that she did not hear Thenal’s barb at all. This shows how unpredictable she can be. We do not know how or when she did it, but she managed to slip into our room during the night.

Thenal is usually the first out of bed because he likes to be the first in the shower. Something to do with hot water. I don’t know why. Stone always says that Thenal keeps getting into ‘hot water’ every time he turns around. I wonder at times if Thenal likes to get into trouble.

Since he got up first, none of us seen anything out of place. I heard the shower going when I woke and started stretching. That is when I noticed something unusual on the floor at the head of Thenal’s bed: hair.

Then this blood-curdling scream caught our attention followed by a loud thump. After we managed to get the door open, we found Thenal on the floor. Tement kneeled down beside him and placed his hand on Thenal’s head.

That is when I noticed the pattern cut into Thenal’s hair. A small circular patch of hair on the top with eight strips of hair down extending outward from it. Two white spots sat to the front of the circular patch. It reminded me of eyes. Actually, it reminded me of a spider.

Tement snickered and asked for the others to help put Thenal back into his bunk. When I got a closer look at Thenal’s scalp, I also noticed some reddish stains. I could hardly keep my laughter down. It looked like a giant tarantula had crawled onto Thenal’s head and started to suck out his blood.

Later that day, Thenal came out of the room wearing a cap. When he saw Penelope, he froze. Then Omman snatched the cap off of Thenal’s head. Everyone began to snicker. Someone asked him about his spider. Penelope said that it looked more like a starving brain sucker to her. Thenal quickly placed the cap back on his head and left the room.

She then said that the next time someone mentions anything about cooking her pet might have a similar problem with his or her hair. But next time it she might use something called ‘wax’ to remove the hair.

Next Post: January 23

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Language Observations


Sunday, January 18, 2009

Today, I wish to talk about my observations on the way humans use their language. We Varnark noticed that Stone uses his knowledge of language to accomplish many things. At times, he may use one word, phrase or sentence that says one thing but implies the opposite. The humans call this language device ‘sarcasm.’ This 'sarcasm' interest us Varnark and figure that is a way to get under someone's skin without actually getting physical.

What had been lost on us was the fact that we should use this 'sarcasm' sparingly. We began to answer everything sarcastically when asked a question. Our barbs got so bad that Stone threatened to ‘boot’ us out. He said something about not having to live in a trailer filled with ‘teenagers.’

Since we did not like the way he said, “Boot,” we cut back on being sarcastic when answering him or at least some of us did. We do not know exactly what he meant by that but by the way he said it, we figured that we may not want to find out.

That was my first hint that we needed to tone down the use of sarcasm. Different people react differently to it. Also, I realize that are times in which sarcasm can be used and a time when it should not. Yet, Omman and Thenal had not caught this threat. The rest of us got the Valdarna out of there.

Thenal received a harsh lesson on sarcasm when he mouthed off to some hairy guy wearing leather. He said something sarcastic about the guy’s motorcycle and girlfriend. He thought he would be cute and funny. The guy tied him up like a pretzel and stuffed him in a trashcan.

In a way, he succeeded in being funny. We laughed so hard that we nearly passed out. And I guess he make a cute looking pretzel inside that trashcan.

Though we did not want to, Tement forced us to pry Thenal out of that trashcan and untangle him. Still, Omman did not learn from Thenal’s experience. Stone asked if we walked to the park, and Omman popped off, “Naw, we flew half the way and then started walking.”

We found out what Stone meant by ‘booting’ someone out of the trailer. He grabbed Omman by the collar, walked over to the door, and brought his foot to Omman’s backside. I think that was Omman’s first flying lesson.

Next Post: January 20

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Oh, My Aching Head II


Thursday, January 15, 2009

Tement keeps telling that life isn’t fair. I wished he’d stop saying that. I just want to know why I still feel Stone’s pain when he no longer does? Tement took the icker off of me last night. Yet, my jaw still hurts, and the bumps on my arm still burn and hurt.

I can understand why Stone had to get his teeth worked on. That was a matter of personal health. As for messing with those yellow jackets, I think he has a death wish at times. I don’t care if they needed to get to his tractor. He should have waited until our mental connection had been severed.

For the last two days, pain has racked my body. I am scared to yawn because the stretching of my jaw causes much pain. I can’t handle this spike of pain throughout my jaw.

Then I overheard Stone say something about how ‘yawns’ are contagious. He then yawned. Valdarna if that isn’t true and I couldn’t help myself. Unfortunately, Thenal and Omman heard this too. Every time I see them, they purposely yawn. I find myself needing to yawn. As soon as I do so, pain shoots through my jaw.

I told Thenal that his time will be coming.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Oh, My Aching Jaw


Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Hello there. One of the reasons why we Varnark came to this planet is to observe the actions of the humans who occupy this planet. According Tement, this also means we need to experience what they feel at times. So happens, it was my turn to be the one to feel this wonderful experience.

Wouldn't you know it, Stone would have to have dental work done today. He had an appointment with someone called a dentist.

In order for me to share his experiences including what he feels, sees, and tastes, Tement placed a device we call an ‘icker’ or mental bonding and transference device on my skull. The icker creates a mental connection between a human’s brain and a Varnark’s mind. Once we are attached with the device, we cannot detach it without proper equipment. Tement hides this equipment from us until the mission is competed. This forces us to feel everything that the human feels throughout the day.

Back to Stone. He had an appointment for the doctor to drill out and fill in a tooth. I guess this should have been a warning. Then I saw the doctor pull out this device called a ‘needle.’ It is supposed to deaden the pain. What is going to kill the pain that thing produced.

As she pushed in this needle, I started tearing at the icker stuck to my skull. I think I would prefer to feel the skin being torn off my scalp than that needle going into my jaw. I think the next time Tement brings this up that I will suggest Thenal get this honor.

When that doctor jabbed that needle into his gums, I tried to scream but my voice failed me. Then when I thought she would remove the needle, she pushed it back in. I felt the needle scrap my jaw. This was followed by the right side of my tongue feeling like it is swelling and is numb. So was the right side of my jaw.

Then she comes at me with this drill that produces this high pitched shrill. With that drill, she attacked the tooth. I saw smoke rise and then smelt something burning. I drank three glasses of water trying to put out that fire in my mouth – actually it would have been in Stone’s mouth.

That shrill the drill produced traveled through the bone to Stone’s ears. He forgot to tell me that he is sensitive to high-pitched shrilling noises. So, it drove my ears nuts.

After about an hour and a half of torture techniques, Stone finished his appointment. Then that medicine the doctor injected into Stone’s jaw started diminish. For about two hours, it felt like the time when Thenal punched me in the mouth.

What hurt the most is when Stone yawned. Every time he yawned, pain shot through my jaw. What else could go wrong. Wait a second. What is that Thenal. He is out behind his trailer spraying poison on a yellow jacket’s nest. No, not that.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Next Post: January 15

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Now, A Word From Your Sponsor

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Hello, again. Stone here. As I write this, the sun is shining bright and the sky is blue. This scene invites you to go out to enjoy a beautiful day, but that is just a trick. It is a beautiful day outside. The problem is that it is also cold out there too. Brrrr.

I just wanted to make a comment about this blog. To make things clear, this is a work of fiction and intended to be a form of entertainment. Everything written in this blog is intended to amuse those who read it. So, please do not take it seriously.

Thanks,
Clark Stone

Next Post: January 13

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Squeal, Boom, Splash


Saturday, January 10, 2009

Peace how reigns Stone’s neighborhood. A few days ago I felt like I lived in a war zone. Well, I’m glad the wars have ended. The problem is that a war may be popping up within the ranks of the Varnark. According to Stone, humans can purchase fireworks during certain times of the year.

Stone said he used firecrackers to scare crows out of his mother’s pecan trees. When he lights one and drops it down a metal pipe, the explosion sounds like one of those percussion weapons discharging. Talking about crows scattering. We laugh at the idea mainly because the Ygi like to transform into crows so that they can spy on us, but that is a different story.

Unfortunately, while playing with his fireworks, he showed the twins some tricks that has come back to haunt the rest of us. One of those tricks involved something he called ‘people chasers*' and water-filled ditches. Karnka, Thenal and I happened to be standing near a ditch containing water. Suddenly, we hear this squealing sound. One of the twins set off this ‘people chaser’ and it shot into the water. It bubbled about for a few seconds. Like 'several bumps on a log' as Stone would say it, we just stood there and watched it bubble. Then it exploded throwing water all over us. We are still looking for the twins.

When we catch them, that is when the real fireworks begin.

* It is also known as a ‘screamer’ or ‘whistler.’ It is from four to five inches long. When set off, it whistles as it shoots across the ground aimlessly going one way or the other. At times, it can look like it is chasing after someone.

Next Post: January 11

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Resolutions


Thursday, January 8, 2009

I keep hearing people making these so-called New Year’s resolutions. It turns out that these are statements of what one wants to change about themselves or to accomplish in the following year. I do wish to accomplish something this next year. As for changing something, I am not aware that I have anything that needs to be changed.

Yet, when one of Stone’s acquaintances vowed to give up smoking, I began to rethink that stance. I plan to give up smoking this year too. Mainly, I vow to make sure I don’t set myself on fire again anytime during the following 12 months. No fire, no smoke.

Stone said something about working out in order to lose a couple pounds of ugly fat. I too would like to rid myself of 79 pounds of ugly fat. Actually, I had tried on several occasions this past year to lose this ugly fat, but Thenal keeps finding his way back home.

I also vow to listen to other more intently, not call people names and not impatiently cut people off who are speaking to m…. NO, Thenal, I can’t talk right now. Can’t you see that I am recording my blog post? Gees. You ignoramus.

What do you mean I should vow to hold my temper? I have no problems with my temper. Get out of here before I kick your …, Okay, that does it. Aaaahh!
Bang! Hey!
Boom! Ow, that hurts!
Clank! Thunk! Stop that! Narval, quit!
Thunk! Ow, ow! I’m going, I'm going.
Slam!
Now that they are gone, I can get back to what I was doing. Uh, what was I doing? Oh, yea, New Year’s Resolutions. I also vow to stick to my assignments until they are completed and not get distracte….

What’s that buzzing sound? Wow, Penelope just came up on a yellow and black scooter. She calls it her ‘yellow jacket.’ I gotta go now. Need to find out if she will let me ride it.

Next Post: January 10

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Alcohol, Fireworks and New Years


Tuesday, January 6, 2009

This holiday in which one tells another ‘Happy New Year’ fascinates me. First, everyone throws parties that celebrates the ending of one year and the start of a new. The holiday was explained to me as a person can make a new start or a new beginning to his/her life.

The drinks that they serve interest me as well. Now, I can tell you that just because you drink one does not necessarily mean you will greet a Tequila Sunrise the following morning. Actually, if my memory serves me right, I tried to avoid the sunrise or any bright light the following.

I wonder if my fuzzy tongue came from that drink called a ‘hairy navel.’ Though, I think Karnka used more vodka that it called for.

As for my brain cramp, it has eased a bit. My memory of that night is coming back. I realize now that it was not Omman exploding that caused the loud explosion we heard. The people around Stone’s home began firing fireworks. It sounded like a battle going on.

Yes, I joined the others in that tree after the first explosion, but that is so that I could get a better look at the firework display going on from all directions.

By the way, what is this fascination for fireworks the humans have? A few weeks ago, they started to sell fireworks to the public. This has caused us Varnark trouble to no end.

No, the humans did not attack us. The problem came in when the younger Varnark discovered them. They loaded up on them. I am afraid that I might wake up with a string of lit firecrackers tied to the back of my pants.

That reminds me; Penelope brought the drinks over for the party. I seemed to remember that the drinks she made started to make us a bit more fearless. Heck, Thenal lost his fear of her tarantula after that second shot of tequila.

I was told that the fear returned the following morning when he found the tarantula on his chest. No, I did not do it, but I will probably get blamed for it. That is the reason why Tement found him sleeping in the oak tree in front of Stone’s trailer the following morning.

And I do not care what Thenal says, Stone’s cat did not make faces at me that night. Oh, wait. What’s that you said Thenal? You did not tell Stone to put that on the blog.

Valdarna! Stone, could you stop typing and erase what I just said? Please. Oh, valdarna. Stubborn ….

Next Post: January 8

Sunday, January 4, 2009

The Day After The Day After


Sunday, January 4, 2009

I feel like I need to shave my tongue. Makes one wonder if that partying was worth it: the headache the next morning, the fuzzy tongue, the light sensitivity. You bet your sweet nazda!

The fresh air and sunshine made me feel better. To re-hydrate myself, I got a bottle of water. This time it was water and not the alcohol mix we hid in that carton of bottled water.

Oh, yea. Tement just reminded me that I need to clear up an insinuation made at the end of my last blog entry. Stone did not give me alcohol. He gave me a container of bottled water in which Thenal hid our alcohol mix. Tement is still peeved at us for hiding our stash in plain sight like that. He’ll never find those fireworks though.

Whatever happened that night seems to be a bit fogged at the present time. I remember some loud booms, but from what source, I am not sure. I must admit that I found myself hiding in the tree in front of Stone’s place. Then, I thought Omman may have passed gas too close to the campfire and blew up. Then I found him on the limb above me.

This brings up another aspect of how humans name things. For instance, Stone calls that temporary fogging of memory a brain cramp. All I can tell you is that I suffered from a major case of brain cramp at the present time.

I also must conclude that this condition is brought on by an excess use of alcohol. I have no idea what I did last night. Though, I will dispute anything that Thenal claims I did.

It seems that I do remember making several New Year's revolutions. That's right, revolutions. I got too close to that campfire and set my backside of fire. That is when I did a few flips. This was followed by me rolling on the ground to put myself out.

Next Post: January 6

Friday, January 2, 2009

Oh, My Aching Head


Friday, January 2, 2009

Oh, my aching head. It feels like my head's in a vise. Wait a second, what’s this?

Huuhhh! Clank!

Well Valdarna, someone put a vise on my head. Mmmm, this has all the earmarks of a Thenal prank.

Now, if I can only figure out what that was that Karnka mixed up. By the way, what is 151 rum? Another question I have is why am I am on Stone's exercise bike?

I remember feeling tingly all over after that first drink. After that second drink, motor control went out the window, yet I felt great. the third drink, I said the valdarna with walking. I crawled back to my bed. Or I thought I did. I remember bringing the fourth drink to my lips. After that, nothing.

Thenal claimed I tried to ride something but his speech was too slurred for me to understand. I remember something about riding Stone’s bicycle but not making any progress. Then when I woke this morning, I found myself astride Stone’s exercise bike.

Thenal is sleeping in the tree in Stone's front yard. As for Omman, Stone said he's under the trailer snoring. That explains the irritating noise that I heard earlier.

Also, those wars the neighborhood younglings occasionally participate in using those fireworks are not helping my headache much.

Wait a second, Stone gave me something to drink.

Glup, gulp, gulp, gulp. Braaattt!

Oppsi, parden. Oh, Varnark, I don’t feel too good. Welsh, until rader, Nappy Yew Near.

Next Post: January 4