Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Stone Speaks - Part II

Wednesday, December 23

Hello. I do apologize for not logging on and discussing this sooner. I decided to take the the month of December off so that I can regroup.

Narval and his merry group will return sometime around January 16, 2010. I plan to use the time until this date to work on mapping out where and how I wish the character posts his comments. I still intend to make fun of various human frailties and idiosyncrasies. But I also wish to toss in more information on the Varnark's contribution to my alien journal project.

Thank you for your patience and see you around Jan. 16.

Clark Stone.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Stone’s Absense

Wednesday, December 2

Hello, Narval here. Stone asked me to apologize for his absence from writing my posts for the last week and a half.

It seems that he got into a fight with some character named “Appen Dicitis.” This guy must be good at what he does because I’ve seen Stone take Thenal, Omman, the twins and me without breaking a sweat.

He spent a week in the hospital because he had a bout with this character. That allowed us to search out other spots that Stone used to store his chocolate cookies and other goodies.

Yet, that is not all we did. As the twins stood guard over Stone’s abode, Thenal, Omman and I searched for this Dicitis character. This guy managed to hide from us. But we did get many strange stares when we tried to discretely inquire about him. Then when we gave them his first name, they would laugh and leave us completely confused.

All Stone could tell us about this Appen Dicitis was that he left him in severe pain in his lower right stomach area that left him doubled over in pain. His surgeons had to operate to alleviate the pain and fight the infection.

The trail on this Dicitis has gotten cold but we will continue to look for him. He sounds like someone worse than the Ygi. Actually, we sometime think this Appen Dicitis character should be given to the Ygi.

The one thing about this event is that Stone and the others can’t pull that Turkey Day joke on me like they did last year.

Well, that is all have for now. Stone should be back on his feet soon. We got him out of the hospital this past Sunday and is starting to become a pain all over again. Though, he is moving around a little slower.

Narval the Great.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Friday Five - Believe

Friday, November 20

Narval here. To destroy a phrase Stone has been known to say, I know this is about a week late and a few diamonds short, but here is my take of this particular Friday Five:

1. Do you believe in ghosts?

Who me? Now I don't believe in.... Who's there? What's that noise? I know I hear you. What's this "Ooooo," sound you're making. When he mean you're an evil spirit? Is that a ghost? Oh, okay. Why don't you go on to somebody else?

2. Do you believe in extraterrestrials?

Sure, my comrades and I are from the planet Varn. To us, you are the two extraterrestrials. On some outposts, one can turn around without bumping into a human.

3. Do you believe in mythical creatures (unicorns, vampires, etc.)?

I guess I do. I ran into a vampire unicorn on the planet of Indercon. The bloodsucker tried to tap my veins. When I did leading do it, he needled me in my nazda with his horn. If it wasn't for all those other vampire unicorns, I would broke his horn off and and stick it where.... What he mean I can't use that can language? Okay. Well they get the picture anyway.

4. Do you believe in a higher power (God, Allah, Buddha, Hecate, Zeus, etc.)?

I believe in God, his son Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. -- Clark Stone

5. Do you believe in the power of crystals?

Sure. And too many sugar crystals to something and it makes its way. Did you know they had collective qualities? If you eat too many items during a day, it collects on your backside front side, mid-section. It also makes your clothes shrink to the point that they can get snug to tight. That makes them mighty uncomfortable.

Visit the Friday Five at this URL:

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Allergic Reaction to Candy? Can't Be

Wednesday, November 11

Everyone knows that over a week ago we participated in the ritual of Trick-or-Treat. We discovered that someone along the route we took pulled a big trick on us.

Let me explain. When we brought our treats home, Stone and Tement took them and hid them from us. We threw such a fit that they gave us our property back. I always believed that their taking our property was not fair practice.

After we got the treats back, we got a treat whenever we wanted it. On the second day, I thought something was wrong, but I could not figure out what. I felt okay. Had no aches or pains. Yet, I felt different. My clothes felt a little snug, and I experienced a little discomfort.

When I talked with the others, they denied having any problems. I watched their actions, and they looked as if they too suffered from some discomfort.

At this point, I did not associate our problem with the treats. But by the time I got to the end my goodies a few days later, something told me that I had eaten something that caused an allergic reaction. It hit the others as well.

Something in that bag of goodies caused us to swell. Our bodies had swollen up to the point that we could not put on certain pieces of clothing. Tement checked us out with the health monitor. The device must need to be recalibrated because it showed that we were healthy. Yet, it did not explain why our bodies ballooned out in such a manner.

Though, I know we are not allergic to popcorn. We looked at the list of items we got. This item is the only thing in our package we have not eaten before.

Out of the packages of chocolate-peanut candy bars, chocolate coated peanut clusters, peanut butter cups, malted milk balls, chocolate-almond candy bars, pecan pralines, gumdrops, jelly beans, licorice, taffy bars, and hard candies, the only thing we figured it had to be the popcorn balls.

It has to be the material that binds the popcorn together. It couldn’t be that half a bag of candy that caused this. I don’t care what Stone says.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Story about Halloween

Sunday, November 8

Stone here. I would like to tell a Halloween story that occurred in my youth. In this story, I hope to show how a given action does not produce the result one is hunting for.

Years ago, a scare occurred that almost killed the holiday. Supposedly, Halloween candy got blamed for the death of a child. He ate poisoned candy. Later, the authorities determined that the child’s father poisoned the candy in order to collect a large sum from an insurance policy.

The following year the area newscasters announced the story again and cautioned parents to check the candy their children get. They were to check for razor blades in the candied apples and popcorn balls and throw away any candy not wrapped.

Due to this scare, we did not have that many trick-or-treaters that year. Needless to say, a few diehard people did not let this ruin their holiday or keep them from passing on the fun to the next generation.

My brother and I had a bowl of candy to give to the few who came by. We had given several children candy when my brother decided to liven up the party a bit. He climbed up on the lowest limb of a sycamore tree that stood in our front yard. We did not wear any costumes.

One woman brought her 3-year-old boy in to get his treat. She seemed determined to let the child learn about the joys of the holiday. As they passed by the tree, my brother jumped off of that limb and let out this horrifying scream.

The woman jumped and started screaming as well. She stood there for a second with one hand on her chest trying to catch her breath. As for the boy, he did not jump or scream like his mother. He looked up at my brother and asked, “What were you doing up there?”

At this, we all began to laugh. We ended up scaring the adult instead of the trick-or-treater. In a way, I’m glad we did not scare the little fella.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

A Tasty Trick

Wednesday, October 28

You know that the others never believed me about the other night being an accident. Yet, I told the truth. I did not realize that I sat in a cemetery. Believe me, there would be no way I would willingly sit in one of those places by myself.

I thought they had gotten over it, but nooooo…. Their revenge turned out to be a haunted house. Stone participated in their joke as well. I asked him to take me to one of these sites to study how they worked. He told me that people loved to be scared by the unexpected and the unexplained. This is why they love to visit these haunted houses. Those who work inside them try their best to come up with scenarios in which to scare the unsuspecting patron of horror.

Now, let's get to what he did not tell me about this place. It turns out that my friends whom I thought was satisfied with my explanation of the other night had set up a special section for me.

I guess this is part of their practice for their next mission. Stone drove up and dropped me off in front of this warehouse. I should have known something was up when I did not see other humans in the vicinity. Stone told me that the place was not open to the public yet, but he had got special permission for me to go through the maze of haunted spectacles.

My second warning should have been when Stone went to park the car. I have never known him to park so far from a building entrance. He used the excuse that he needed to get some extra walking for the day. He had been doing some extra exercise, lately, so I let it slide.

One should not dismiss those alarm bells that go off in your mind too easily. Even though there may be a good explanation. I found myself standing at the entrance of this warehouse. Alone.

Then the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. To me that usually meant an Ygi is around somewhere. Sure enough, one appeared behind me carrying an Alth 222 blaster pointed at my midsection.

A door slam caught the Ygi’s attention. He spun and shot. Stone’s chest exploded into red goo. Stone fell back. As the Ygi turned to aim that thing at me, I took off through the door into the warehouse. Something struck the wall next to the door. I did not stop to look. I got 20 feet into the warehouse when I heard the high-pitched shrill of a second Alth 222 being activated.

I pivoted to see a second and a third Ygi preparing their weapons as they approached. I found myself inside this big warehouse being hunted by three Ygi carrying a weapon designed to cause great pain as one dies. The charges struck all around me but I managed to dodge them. My one consolation turned out to be that they couldn't hit the broadside of the warehouse.

For about 45 minutes, I found myself cut off from any escape. Yet, I managed to slip by my pursuers to make it to an exit. A shout told me that I did not have much time left.

When I opened the door, I found myself staring down the barrel of a fourth Alth 222. Before I could move, a projectile hit me in the chest. The thing is that I did not feel any pain. He fired again and again thus hitting me in the chest and stomach several times. Still, no pain.

Then I felt impacts on my back. The other Ygi caught up from behind and fired their weapons. Then the fourth Ygi in front of me fired one final shot and hit me in the face. Everything went black. After a few seconds, I inhaled through my teeth. A strawberry and cream flavor burst forth throughout my mouth. When I wiped my eyes clear and then licked my hand, my taste buds erupted with the tasty flavor once again. That is when I discovered that the projectiles were actually some type of strawberry cream concoction.

As I attempted to wrap my mind around what had just happened, the four Ygi standing around me transformed into my so-called best buddies. Then Stone walked up with a big grin on his face. He ran his finger through the red and white goo on his chest and said something about being tasty.

I agreed. The concoction tasted great. Then it hit me. I had just been “hood-winked”, as Stone would put it. My anger started to build until I licked off another bit of the treat. Then I took my shirt off and thought this was all mine.

That is when the real horror started. The others realized that they covered my shirt with all of their sweet tasting ammunition. I took off running because they looked as if they wanted to take a bite out of me. Plus, I didn't want to share the strawberry cream concoction on my shirt. Needless to say I didn't get very far.

It turns out that they needed training for an upcoming mission which requires them to take on the image of an Ygi military team. They definitely had me fooled. I spent 45 minutes in total terror trying to evade them. It also filled their need to get me back for the cemetery incident.

As I end this post, I must laugh at myself for allowing them to catch me off guard in such a manner. Also, it is imperative that I find a way to enact a better more horrifying prank on them.

In the meantime, I need to go get cleaned up. Stone's cat has detected the cream and her tongue is ripping my skin off as I entered this into the recorder.

Ouch! Get away you furry fiend. That tongue … Ouch! Stop that.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Trick or Treat

Sunday, November 01

Tement gave us the freedom to participate in the human ritual of Trick or Treat. We figured this was to be a treat. This is the one time of the year that we Varnark can go out without the use of a navdalla – transphase particle rearrangement generator. Last year we came back with a great haul of candy. This years treat turned into another trick. Let me explain.

It started off innocent enough. One of the requirements placed on us by Tement, I am to attempt to tell you what we learned about the human celebratory tradition. This was to include the obligation that we needed to observe the humans participating in the activity.

Again this year, we learned that the humans liked our costumes. We did not go out in costumes. We did not care because we found out that they are generous with their gifts of candy. If we act like little Ygi and throw a fit, we do not get much of nothing. One of the twins found this out.

Over the last few months, we kept hearing the phrase “As easy as taking candy away from a babe.” Thenal can attest that this is a falsehood. Not only the older humans look this down on this practice; those babes appear to be stronger than they look. Also, they have teeth and know how to use them.

One of them latched onto Omman’s arm and did not let go for several minutes. From that time on, he avoided most of those younglings.

We discovered that some people do not participate in this yearly ritual. We came across this couple on the riverfront on a blanket and tried to scare them and succeeded. But then they scared us. First, one of them pulled out this can and sprayed us with this awful stuff that made our eyes burn. The other one pulled out what we thought to be a weapon. I heard whizzing noise pass my ears after each bang. I guess that will be the last time we mess with nude humans on a blanket.

Overall, the night turned out to be a successful excursion into the world of humans. We raked in many treats from candy bars, popcorn balls, cookies and wrapped candies of all types.

Most of the night we got treats. We wondered when someone would pull a trick. The following morning we discovered the trick. Stone and Tement had gotten to our stash. Tement then told us the meanest part of the trick. He would only give us a few of our treats a day. Stone rubbed salt into the wound. He told us that our treats are going to save on the grocery bill. Then he said he hid our treats.

Like I said, we started of with treats but got tricked again this year. We also found out that we lost out on that costume contest. Stone won it by dressing like an Ygianan. Now, I want to bite someone.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Halloween I

Wednesday, October 28

As you can see, this week has been dedicated to the human festival called “Halloween.” This celebration fits the Varnark psyche. When else can we gremlins of chaos, as Stone calls us, get to go out and pull pranks and scare people and not get in trouble for it?

After what happened last night, even though it was unintentional, I found myself interested in finding more of this Halloween jocularity. After talking the others out of binding, gagging and hanging me from a tree to use as a piñata, I convinced them to join me in pulling a few pranks.

We found this small group of human younglings that Stone refers to as ‘teen-agers.’ They seemed to be picking at other younglings who came around. Their prank looked to be a great one. Three of them participated in the scare-fest. Two of the teen-agers went into the cemetery. One of them wearing a wolf mask and the other had this white sheet.

It amazed us that these boys managed to walk around without losing their pants. Thenal noted that these teen-agers couldn’t keep their pants pulled up like many others we came across.

Now, the object of the ruse tuned out to be other younglings who happened to be walking by. The one teen-ager invited his peers into a nearby cemetery saying that he had spotted a ghost. The others would not believe him. He got them into the cemetery by either piquing their interest or by daring them to enter.

First, three female younglings came by. Two of them seemed quite excited over the prospect of seeing a ghost but the third wanted nothing to do with it. Yet, they talked her into going into the Cemetery. The one wearing the wolf mask howled from behind some bushes and stuck his head around a bush and growled. The younglings stopped for a second. Then this white figure jumped out from behind a tree, yelled ‘boo,’ and grabbed one of the females. All three screamed for a second.

The three boys started laughing and one of the female younglings started slapping at them as she held her chest. The boy backed up while laughing when his pants fell to the ground. This stopped the female and she started laughing. Then they all had a good laugh and they parted ways. We got a good laugh out of how high the girls jumped when the so-called ghost jumped out and grabbed one of them.

Their next target looked to be a few years younger than the teen-agers. This time a group of five younglings came walking by. The teen-ager dared the younglings to enter the graveyard to find the ghost.

At this, the younglings walked toward the cemetery’s entrance. Then a ghostly howl sang out. The younglings froze in place. Then this figure in white came running out from behind bushes toward the group and they scattered. Younglings took off in all directions screaming.

We got a good laugh out of this prank as did the three teen-agers. The white figure removed his white cloth covering from over his head as another teen-ager came out from behind another set of bushes. They did a good scary job, but we felt that the job was not quite finished just yet.

As the boys sat down behind this giant stone, they laughed at the expressions on the other younglings’ faces. One pulled out a cigarette of some type as another picked up a bottle and drank from it. I gathered that they parked themselves here in order to scare others who happened to be walking by.

In a discussion earlier with Thenal, he asked what would these humans do if the pumpkin came to make people pies. This memory developed into an idea. Thenal and Omman agreed that we needed to pull this one on the three teen-agers.

They slipped into the cemetery and transformed into a pair of walking pumpkins with arms and legs, a face and sharp teeth. I transformed into a youngling of about the age of 8 years of age. As I walked down the street. The teenagers spotted me and prepared for their next victim.

The first teen-ager gave me the same spiel about the ghost that I saw him give the others earlier. Just as I was about to get to the cemetery, the boy behind the bushes began to howl then scream as he took off running. Behind him ran Omman snapping at the boy’s heals. He tripped as his shorts fell to the ground. Omman pounced toward the teen. The teen pulled his pants up and took off running before Omman could land on him.

Soon the boy that used that white sheet came running out with Thenal doing the same thing. He too tripped when his pants landed around his ankles.

While this was going on, I transformed myself into a pumpkin with big teeth. The teen-ager with me had not noticed my change. When he turned around, I told him was hungry and he was supper. I told him that it was time for me to have a little treat to go along with his little trick. Varnark, these humans can run fast. Even when their pants fall down around their ankles. This one just left his shorts behind. It took all of my strength to keep up with him for the first two blocks. Then he left me behind.

As we gathered back at the cemetery where the teen-agers had sat, we exchanged our stories and enjoyed a good laugh as we finished off that bottle of ‘rum.’ It tasted sweet. I expected to see a story in what Stone calls a ‘scandal sheet’ about pumpkins trying to eat the local youth.

Yet, in a local paper I found a story about three youth being arrested for under-aged drinking. The story indicated that the boys showed up at the police station wearing boxer shorts rambling on with outrageous stories of pumpkins with large teeth eating their shorts.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Boo to You Too

Monday, October 26

This is a weird week. The other day I leaned against this fence at a spot under a street lamp. Stone, Tement and I visited with one of Penelope’s friends in Natchitoches. The others went with to visit some type of storytelling gathering up the road put on by another one of Penelope’s friends.

My job was to watch the house. Actually, my job was to stay out of their way. So, I took a couple of journals I wanted to read and climbed over this barred fence. I sat on this brick and leaned against a fence post in order to read them in peace.

One thing I have to explain is that I had taken the shape of a human youngling around the age of 13. This allowed me to interact with other humans who came by. I learn quite a bit from talking with the humans. Earlier in the day, I talked with a couple of them dressed up in costumes. I found out that they planned to attend the same storytelling event my friends left to attend.

One of them warned me about ghosts who roam the area at night and pointed. When I looked around, I saw a bunch of stones organized in lines. Many of them had writing on them. I just shrugged my shoulders and told them that I would be all right.

Apparently, I had gotten so engrossed in reading this journal that I had not noticed that the sun had gone down. It turns out that I was sitting under a bright street lamp. It gave me enough light that I managed to keep reading without interruption. I also munched on some candy that I had brought from Stone’s.

Then this human boy came walking by. I decided that I would be friendly. Also, I wanted to talk with him. That is when things got weird. I said, “Hello, want to join me in ….”

The kid took off running screaming at the top of his lungs. It was hilarious but confusing. He did not let me finish my sentence. A few moments later, three more younglings came walking by. The same three that I talked with earlier. Again, I asked, “Hello, want to join me in ….” They did not even look back. They took off running and screaming something about a ghost being after them.

Come to think of it, the one who came by earlier yelled something about ghosts. After the fourth time this happened, Stone appeared in the doorway of the house across the street. At that point, another group of younglings came walking by. This time I recognized them as Thenal, Omman and the twins.

As I bent down to pick up my journals, I said, “Varnark, I am glad y’all are back. I am so stiff. If you wait a second, I will get up and stretch and then join you.” When I stood back up, I saw them running across the street toward Stone as they screamed at the top of their lungs. This too struck me as being hilarious, yet I still did not know what scared everyone.

I jumped over the fence and crossed the road. As I approached Stone, I noticed he had been laughing. Apparently, he knew why everyone acted so scared when I spoke. Needless to say, the others got angry with me. They said something about me not being a ghost. I did not know what they were talking about.

Stone explained that a ghost is the spirit of a dead person and they scared most people. He also pointed out they usually appear in cemeteries where they bury the dead. That answered one question but I had another until he pointed to where I had been sitting.

Wouldn’t you know that those younglings as well as my friends heard some scary ghost stories at that party they went to. How was I to know that I had chosen a spot in a local cemetery to read my journals?

Can you say, “Voices from the grave?”

Friday, October 23, 2009

Cookie Hunt

Wednesday, October 21

Hello, and how are you today? I, myself, am feeling a bit foolish and peevish right now. Why? Good question. Let me see if I can explain this so that it makes sense.

This past weekend, Stone made arrangements to meet with his writer friends to do something called a “retreat.” The way it was explained to me is that a group of writers get together to network and unwind and get re-energized in their writing craft. All I say is that this sounds boring.

But I digress. Before he left Friday afternoon, he gave each of us five cream-filled chocolate cookies as a treat for being good. What he did not know was that we had been searching for them all morning. We checked the breadbox, cabinet, and several drawers. The only place we did not have enough time to check was his booby-trapped cupboard he has over the dishwasher.

After he left, we - Thenal, Omman, the twins and me - decided to have our own retreat. We wanted to re-treat ourselves to more of those chocolate cookies. Stone informed us that he would be gone for at least six hours. That gave us plenty of time to study and disassemble his pot and pan alarm system to get to his cookies.

Yet, when we made our way to his hiding place, we found what turned out to be an empty cookie bag. We fought over the crumbs that remained. The bad part is that not only we did not find his cookies, we had to re-stack those pots and pans to hide the fact we got into his cupboard.

The following day Stone woke us up rattling those pots and pans. When we came into the kitchen, we found him placing the pots and pans back into that cupboard. Then Omman brought our attention to the chocolate cookies on the table.

To make a long story short, after Stone left for the retreat again, we tore into those pots and pans. This time we found a list of chores that we had to accomplish before they got back as punishment for looking for the cookies. I checked a few of the drawer and the cabinet over the refrigerator but found no cookies. When I looked at the breadbox, I just shook my head and went about doing the chores assigned to me.

The chores are not the reason I felt neither foolish nor peevish. I felt foolish and peeved because when he came home, Stone took a big bag of cookies out of the breadbox and smiled.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Friday 5: Loud

Friday, October 16

1. When in the past seven days were you loudest?

I guess it would have to be Wednesday evening. Stone and Tement went for a walk, and the twins and I figured out where Stone had hid his chocolate cookies. What we did not expect was the elaborate alarm system that Stone prepared for his hiding place.

We should have known better but those cookies kept calling our names. After one of the twins opened the cabinet door, pots and pans started falling and bouncing against the countertop and then rang out again as they hit the floor.

2. In the past seven days, what was loud but not noisy?

That one is in dispute. Thenal and the twins tell me that the shirt I wore on Tuesday was a bit too loud. I disagree. But to settle this, I decided to ask you. Is a bright yellow shirt with large red, orange, and blue flowers too loud?

3. In the past seven days, what was not especially loud but quite noisy?

Those crickets at night. They are not that loud but the constant noise they make keep us awake. The other day, Stone showed us an article about eating insects. If they do not cut out their constant drone of chirping, we will have cricket soup.

4. In the past seven days, what’s something that was not allowed?

Our (Thenal, the twins and I) accompanying Stone and Tement on one of those ‘garage sale’ expeditions. It seems that we caused too much trouble the last time we went with them.

I had to protest when Stone accused me of taking a bite out of that boy’s candy bar. That was Thenal who did that. I tied the shoelaces of those three girls together. How was I to know that they would trip and land in that big frosting covered cake. Though, that one girl looked cute with those blue eyebrows, an orange and green mustache and a white beard.

5. What are those clouds gathering on your horizon for next week?

Mainly clouds of future adventures and fun. The cloud of suspicion after successfully ferreting out Stone’s hidden goodies. The cloud of the chase after attempting to swipe another’s treat or after they attempt to swipe mine. Does not matter if we catch each other, it is the chase that matters. The cloud of laughter when a prank succeeds in getting the target.

The cloud of skepticism floating overhead by those whom may be reading this post. Big Grin.

To view the collection of others who participate in the Friday 5, go to

Clark Stone’s Web Page:
Come see the Short Story he is working on.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Vacuum - A Metaphor?

Wednesday, October 14

Hello again. Today, once again, I wish to complain about the way you humans use your language. You use words or phrases that mean one thing to represent another idea altogether. I believe Stone refers to this as a metaphor.

We Varnark love chaos as long as it involves confusing everyone else. When you apply that chaos to us, we are completely lost. Humans using metaphors cause us to much chaos.

For instance, Stone told us the other day that his front door has this vacuum to it. Every time he opens it in the morning, it sucks that cat up to the screen door.

To test this, we set up instruments to check the variance in air pressure when he opens the door. As you know, a sudden lowering of air pressure causes a vacuum. We measured a small vacuum effect but conclude that it’s not enough to pull a sleeping cat off the top of a box on his front porch making him run into that screen door.

We did the calculations and came up to the conclusion that Stone did not know what he was talking about. So, this morning he invited us to watch. When he opened the inner front door, that cat slammed into the outer screen door.

This amazed us, but our instruments gave us the same reading it did before. That is when Stone told us about the use of a word or a phrase that means one thing but used to represent another. To clarify his point, he informed us that the phrase “The vacuum of opening the door sucked the cat up to the screen door” meant “The cat was so hungry that she ran to bounces against the screen door in hope that someone would let her in and feed her.”

I gather that this is some type of trained response. My question is “Why not say that the cat was hungry?” I do not think I like these so-called ‘metaphors.” They seem too confusing.

As for Stone and his ‘vacuum’ theory, myself, I think he’s a few pebbles shy of a full rock pile.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Stone’s Announcement

Monday, October 12

Hello again,

I apologize for Narval’s absence but I have been working on something that I wanted to have online. Last month, I announced that was going to put up a web page for myself. I also wanted to start an alien short story series. I had thought about putting up some of Garnara’s Observations (He is the alien visiting earth who Narval is supposed to be offering support.) on the Internet but have changed my mind. I have so much trouble putting up three blog entries a week for Narval’s Folly. In the future, I may put something up, but for now, his observations are in limbo.

Clark Stone’s Web Page:

Usscan’s Observation Web Page:

I would recommend checking out the introduction and rules that I have set up for the project of Usscan’s Observations. Then go to the Short Story opening page to gain access to part one for the first short story.

I hope to have Narval out of his funk and back working on his blog starting on Wednesday. I hope you enjoy this new project.


Clark D. Stone.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Friday 5: Story

Friday, October 2

1. Which of your stories have you probably told the greatest number of times to the most people?

I wrote about this on December 22 last year. The story about my scaring Thenal with my mechanical tarantulas keeps popping up. I considered that one of my best pranks. This one sticks out more than my other pranks for some reason.

2. What’s a story someone else often tells about you, much to your chagrin?

The story about cooking Turkey that Thenal posted on my blog back last November. He continues to tell that story followed by playing that recording. Again, how could I have known that a turkey was a bird and not Stone’s friend whom they called Turkey?

3. What oft-told story from a chapter in your life seems to be remembered differently by different people who were there?

Omman likes to tell the story of the day back in December when everyone went wind surfing. He kept pointing out how I along with a couple others had gotten the lines to our paraglide chutes entangled in that oak tree.

Yet, he can’t get his facts straight. As I reported last December in a blog about our ‘wind surfing’ adventures, I pointed out that I had to get Stone to help get the others out of that tree. Though, I did not anticipate him cutting that tree down with them in it.

And, I don’t care how many photos Omman claims he has that prove his claim. Anyone can tell that those images had been doctored.

4. What are some of the details, without retelling the whole story, of a story you’ve told often but never to your parents?

5. What song would be an appropriate soundtrack to the story of your most embarrassing moment?

Either the song “Midnight Confessions” by the Grass Roots or “Dance to the Music” by Sly and The Family Stone.

I along with my roommates got caught slipping in from an evening in the town. We had discovered a band was to play in town. When the music started, we danced until our legs gave out.

Apparently, we weren't supposed to leave the trailer. Tement knew what we had done and I felt bad about it. I don’t know if the others did so, but he made me feel so bad that I had to confess that we slipped into town in order to dance to some music.

To view the collection of others who participate in the Friday 5, go to

Friday, September 25, 2009

Friday 5: Getting to Know You

Friday, September 25

1. What are the titles of the last three books you read all of?

Since I have been on this planet only for a short period, I have not gained a sufficient knowledge of the planet’s language. So, here are three books from my planet that I enjoyed reading. Here are the translations of the titles

How to Convert Earthling Technology for Use in Pranks Against Others
By Praktic Kal Jo Ker

Getting and Keeping Out of Trouble
Byde Skinofa Miteeth

Getting Away with Wiping a Fellow Varnark’s Treats
By Runnin Asfastas Ican

2. What are the titles of between three and five magazines you subscribe to or used to subscribe to?

These I will have to use a couple from Stone’s repertoire:

MAD Magazine - I always enjoy humor even if it is from a human source.

Knockum Down Dragum Out - A martial arts magazines - My fellow Varnark and I enjoy looking at new techniques in self defense – it helps determines who gets to the treats first.

Kick, Punch and Bite - A magazine my companions and I assemble for our fellow Varnark. The pages tell of the exploits of the local Varnark group. These exploits can be the pranks we pull on each other, the humans and especially the Ygi.

3. What’s on your night table?

Well, this morning, I found several plastic wraps from cookie packets, a bottle of something called “hot sauce,” and a battered alarm clock.

I remember the cookies were a treat for not causing any trouble all day yesterday. Stone likes it when he does not have to reassemble a part of his trailer.

The battered alarm clock – when we reach over to hit the snooze button, we slap it fairly hard. I have had to reconstruct the thing 47 different times. This is because Thenal would strike the snooze button with a club.

As for the hot sauce, I brought it in here to use to help wake Thenal up. It should be doing its work right about ….

Aiiieeeeyah! Bang, bang, thump.

Now. Wow, that’s what happens when you put a dozen and a half drops in the glass of mouthwash. I never seen Thenal travel that fast in quite a while. Oh my, he dove into Stone’s swimming pool. And he really hates water. I guess that eliminates me from getting any treats tonight.

4. What are the three best things that happened to you in the past seven days?

Seeing Thenal jump into that pool and turned into a petrified Varnark – he is in a fear coma. We have him leaning against the wall for the time being.

Enjoying make a fool of myself at a local Karaoke bar. Though, Thenal, Omman and I were invited to leave after that one high-pitched song shattered the bar’s mirror. I guess ‘invited to leave’ may be the wrong word. The correct phrase probably would be ‘took flying lessons,’ because they threw us out.

Helped Stone loose some weight. We tied Stone’s shoestrings together. When he got up to come to the kitchen, splat, he landed face first on the living room floor. He has been chasing after us for most of the day.

5. What was your senior yearbook quote, and what would your yearbook quote be this year if there were such a thing?

We don’t have a yearbook. Heck, we don’t know what one is. Stone did write something in the front of my martial arts training manual.

“Duck next time and don’t block those punches with your face. You’re ugly enough as it is.”

The quote I would have written is “Fear me, fore I shall kick someone’s nazda.”

To view the collection of others who participate in the Friday 5, go to

Friday, September 18, 2009

Friday Five: What’s It Take

Friday, September 18

1. What does it take to get you to grab the mic and sing in a karaoke room?

About two shots of rum would do it. Actually, Tement tries to keep us Varnark away from locations that broadcasts music. He knows that we lose all control when it comes to music. We begin dancing as if it the end of the world approached: wild and free.

Thus the two shots of rum takes away our coordination and ability to dance. When we can’t dance, we make fools of ourselves by singing. Most Varnark can't carry a tune. BG

2. What does it take to get you to give up a whole Saturday to hang out with people you don’t like?

That question is almost like asking a Varnark does he wants his teeth pulled without anesthesia. We really do not like hanging around the Ygi (another race of aliens who prefer to eat Varnark, and Human, flesh to all other).

But that is where the above question can solve the problem. On one occasion, we squared off with a group of Ygi, short for Ygianan, and just before we clashed, someone began playing music. We just could not help ourselves. Both parties bust out in dance. As long as the music plays, Varnark and Ygianan will dance uncontrollably.

3. What does it take to get you out of bed without your hitting the snooze button?

The answer to this question has multiple facets. If I anticipate pulling off a huge prank, then I’ll turn off the alarm when I wake up. The others are the same way. I want to slip out and enjoy the effects of this prank. In my opinion, mornings lend themselves to be great times to pull off excellent pranks.

Additional ways that Stone, Tement, or others have used that kept me from hitting the snooze button is for them to call out any one of the following phrases:

Stone or Tement:

Chocolate covered pancakes are ready.
Who wants some ice cream?

I found Stone’s Oreo® cookie stash.
Stone forgot to put away his onions.

The ultimate way to keep me from hitting the snooze button is for someone to say, “There's a bowl of chocolate covered crushed Oreo cookies and ice cream on the table."

4. What does it take to get you to take someone else’s turn at a really unpleasant task at work or home?

That is almost like the answer to question number two. You know, about having one’s tooth pulled without anesthesia.

If Tement orders it or if bribed with ice cream and crushed cookies, then I might take up someone else’s dirty tasks. Still would not like it though.

5. What does it take to get you to eat something you really dislike?

Three Ygianan holding blaster pistols to my head. Or if my mom or girlfriend cooked it and I expected to sleep at either one’s house.

Check out the Friday 5 site at

Check out links to others' answers at

By the way, if you would have asked "What would it take to get me away from my computer or voice recorder?" I do not know how I would had answered tha.... Wait a minute! Is that popcorn I smell. Gotta go. Bye!!!!

Bam, clank, thunk ...... Hey guys, save some for me.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Word Usage or English Sminglish

Monday, September 14

Hello everyone. I do apologize for missing both my Friday and Sunday deadlines. That is why I am writing this now. First of all, I caught something that someone brought into our domicile. I told him to take care, but I caught whatever he had after the offender coughed three or four times. I don’t believe him when he said he got some food caught in his throat. Yea, likely story.

Yet, the main reason I missed my deadlines came from the fact I remained in hiding. After I teleported those hornets into the room I shared with Thenal and friends, they began looking for me. By the way, Tement is making me change that part of my story. Yes, I embellished a bit. I actually teleported those mechanical insects of Penelope’s. You know, the mechanical yellow jackets. Once the others discovered that the insects posed no danger, they saw this incident as a practical joke.

By the way, the door to our room that Stone installed worked beautifully. Stone just pushed the door back into the frame until he heard the connectors latch.

Since we thrive on practical jokes, we tend to pull them on each other quite often. Yet, we are not allowed to commit any that cause physical injury to any other Varnark or to humans. Ygi on the other hand are fair game to a certain extent. But I can’t talk too much on that now.

Before I managed to get out of my hiding place, I discovered the others had joined me. They mentioned that Stone had work for us and decided to hide as well.

My definition of confusion can be summed up with two words - Human Language. The way they use their language can confuse us Varnark to no end. You see, the human language can be filled with contradictions and hidden meaning.

For instance on the contradictions, I have noticed on many occasions where human’s would greet each other using such terms as mutt face, jackass, moron, dipstick and other words that Tement won’t let us use.

Yet, when Thenal greeted that bearded human dressed in leather riding that motorcycle with “Hello, you mutt-faced moronic jackass. How is life treating you today?” He found himself twisted up like a pretzel and deposited in a trashcan.

As for phrases with hidden meanings, Stone uses them all the time. One night he said that he planned to go "cut a rug." Then he would leave without carrying any type of cutting utensils. Once, he told us that we do it every time he turns on his stereo system. That’s not true. We usually dance until we get exhausted. Then it dawned on me what the term meant.

Now, to my current situation, Stone notified the others in a roundabout way that he has projects lined up for us. He should know us by now. The Varnark are allergic to most activities that involve physical labor.

When asked how he knew Stone had work for us to do, Omman said he overheard Stone telling Tement that he had been thinking. When Stone thinks, we end up doing some type of menial task that is labor intensive. We aren’t idiots. After the first two or three times he pulled that one on us, he switched to another idiom that meant the same thing. He'd use the phrase “having too much time on their hands.”

I agree that at times we have too much time on our hands. But that allows us to come up with ideas to pull off more elaborate practical jokes. Wait a second. Come to think about it, this may be one of Stone’s more elaborate practical jokes. The last time he pulled this on us, we stayed hidden for three days. Though it seems to me that he said something about "wanting some peace and quiet." Then he would follow this phrase with one of the two before mentioned phrases. I just wonder.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

After the Punishment

Wednesday, September 09

Oh, Varnark! The events Monday did not end after I ended my post. They left me trussed up and dangling from that tree for the last two days. I now have the sniffles and a cough. If they don’t kill me one way, they will do it in another. At least, they have it too.

Oh, now I know what a piñata is. By the way Thenal and the others swung those Shinai, I thought their intention was to open me up for those proverbial prizes. Those bamboo swords hurt. We used them all the time in sword fight training. They have wanted to hit me with those for months since I beat them every time we meet in a Kendo match.

Yet, I felt every strike they made but something did not feel right. The impacts didn’t feel as painful as they did in the past. Last night I found out that Tement had placed an orepo, or dampening shield generator, on my back. He set it to transfer only 10 percent of the energy of those whacks over to my body.

Last night, Stone finally let me down. That’s when I found the orepo. Soon, I found myself lying in my hammock in front of Stone’s abode. I didn’t feel like sleeping anywhere near those skunks. I inspected various parts of my body ached but found no bruises.

Also, I found myself walking funny trying to get to my hammock. Pain has a tendency to do that, you know. Why, you ask? I will tell you why. My tootsies feel a bit tender right now. After Tement went to bed, Stone perpetrated what I considered the cruelest bit of torture imaginable: cats and cream. He said something about “this is the way cavemen used to get rid of body hair.”

This final act of torture turned out to be almost as bad as having someone eat cake and ice cream in front of me. Stone’s cats really have not shined up to me. Today, he fixed it so that they became quite attentive. Then Stone painted my feet with frothed up cream. His cats eagerly licked my feet trying to get every drop of that cream.

Who knew cats had sandpaper tongues? I didn’t. The others have laughed themselves into a stupor as I squirmed at the end of that rope. Every time one of those cats licked the bottom of my feet, this tickling pain shot through my foot. Not to mention when one of their tongues shot between my toes.

Though not in a laughing mood, I found myself laughing so hard that my side hurt. Nearly passed out on two occasions. Couldn’t catch my breath. Every time I felt I would get a reprieve, Stone would apply more cream. Fuzzball took my left foot and Queenie took my right.

I hope that now you understand why I walked funny. Stone’s cats took a layer of skin off the bottom of my feet. I hope I can keep the infection away. That is another reason I chose to sleep in my hammock. I seemed to be getting over my sniffles, but their sniffles and sinus congestion seemed to be getting worse. I don’t want any part of it.

Those skunks will regret doing this to me. Oh, and speaking of skunks, I wonder how they like the one I teleported in there a few minutes ago? I believe it should help clear up their congestion. He, He, He. :-p

Not to mention that hornets' nest that should be teleporting into the room at any ....

Wham! Bang! Boom! Aiieeeeyaah! Bizzzzzzzz!


Monday, September 7, 2009

Swinging in the Wind

Monday, September 7

Uh, hello. For a second there, I thought I was a goner. Earlier this morning, Tement brought the others in from the pound. Valdarna did they look pissed. Thenal jumped and planted all four sets of his claws into my chest. Omman and the twins bit down on my legs and pulled them out from under me. Then Tement returned them to their original state. Thenal transformed back to his usual self but not before coughing up a hairball.

As Thenal sat on my chest holding me down, the others trussed me up with some rope. They said that I needed to be punished for my heinous acts. My response, “What heinous acts?” I’ve done nothing wrong. The Navdalla malfunctioned changing Thenal into a cat and the others into dogs. It was an accident. Yet, they refuse to hear the truth as they wrap that rope around my feet.

Before too long, they drug me out of the trailer and placed me at the end of a rope hanging off of a tree limb in Stone’s front yard. Then, they gathered several of Stone’s Kali or fighting sticks. One does not have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that they wanted some batting practice. Daggers shot from Omman’s eyes as he scratched various places on his body. His smile told me everything I needed to know.

When they got within ten feet, Stone appeared. He took the Kali away from them and locked them up in the trunk of his car. At first, I thought Stone was going to be compassionate and forgive me. But then he seemed to take much delight in treating my wounds with something called ‘alcohol.’ Though it burned, I welcomed it because, I did not want to get an infection. I have been suffering from other ailments lately. All I need is another deadly illness to strike.

Yet, Stone has graciously allowed me to record this post. As I speak into this recorder, I still find myself attached to the end of a rope suspended from one of Stone’s trees.

Though I do not think I did anything wrong, I do wish to apologize to Stone, Thenal, Omman and the twins for my alleged atrocious behavior on Friday. I must admit that the cookies and cream ice cream covered with chocolate tasted great. Surely, they still can’t be angry over that?

After Stone left, Tement gave me that disappointing look. I told him that it was not my intentions to cause them so much trouble. Tement told me that he had to free Stone from the local constabulary and the others from the local animal shelter. As for the others, they all are taking a mandatory flea bath. Omman caught something from the animal shelter. I sure hope it is not contagious. Though I do have this itch I want to scratch.

As I swing in the wind, I contemplate my punishment. Tement patted me on the shoulder and said that if I can weather this, then I would be a better Varnark for it.

My punishment turned out to be one of pure torture. After Stone tended my wounds, he left to go into the house. What I smelt cooking nearly drove me nuts. First, the hint of a baking cake wafted into my nostrils. The strong smell of fried onions came next. I figured he cooked onion rings just to drive me nuts.

Soon, the torture began. Thenal tossed a cover over the top of the picnic table that the others brought around to the front and placed a mere 10 feet away. They then placed six plates about the table. Of late, we ate our dinner outside in the cool breeze.

Stone and the others brought out the food. To keep the end fighting down over our favorite food, Stone would distribute it evenly to each person. His actions gave me a tiny bit of hope. He stacked my plate to the same height as the others. I saw onion rings galore.

That is when the torture began. They sat down and slowly consumed the onion rings in front of me. The smell drove me nuts. Then the real torture began; Stone brought out a tray containing six portions of chocolate cake and ice cream. I never saw so many Varnark eat so slow. They seemed to be savoring my discomfort.

My last glimmer of hope of getting any of this bounty disappeared when Penelope showed up and consumed my portion of the meal. That’s when I almost lost it.

In a way, I would have preferred to be beaten than be tortured in this gruesome manner. How can civilized beings do something like this. If I get out of this, I will have to figure out a way to get back at them.

As Thenal and the others cleaned up the area, Stone came over and said he had a new nickname for me. He also said that he had decided to allow me to participate in a party game that is popular with humans south of the border. The way he said it makes me think that I would be a very instrumental participant in this party ritual.

At least I might be able to have a bit of fun.. At first, I thought Stone had given me this recorder so that I could give my last Will and Testament. Though I’m still a bit worried. I find myself still trussed up and dangled from this tree. I also wonder what he meant by “what kind of prizes we will find?” statement while he looked me over.

By the way, about my new nickname, I do not know if I like being called a piñata. Stone said it fit me perfectly at the moment; whatever that means.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Friday 5: More Less

Friday, September 4

1. In what way this week were you reckless?

Every once in a while, one has to live on the edge. So happens that this week was my week to live on the edge. For, I just could not help myself.

To start, I swiped a bowl of chocolate covered cookies and cream ice cream from a fellow Varnark. Actually, it was Thenal. As with most humans, we Varnark are very protective of our chocolate, cookies and ice cream along with a few other morsels. Thenal is not an exception on this, so I got my exercise in for the morning. Right now, I am hiding in the trees behind Stone’s trailer.

Next, I broke into Omman's stash of onions. He has yet to discover this.

2. In what way this week were you shameless?

Then, I ate the ice cream without regrets. Another thing is that I walked around Stone’s property in a birthday suit. I also took a bite out of Omman’s birthday cake.

I ate one of Omman's onions like an apple while strolling in front of Omman.

3. In what way this week were you fearless?

That I walked around in the buff as Stone. Using a transphase particle rearrangement generator device called a navdalla, I can walk around as anyone I want. So, I chose Stone. Then I blamed it on Thenal. That is what happens when I drink the human beverage of 'coffee.'

4. In what way this week were you thoughtless?

I accidentally let Stone and the others know that it was me who actually perpetrated those events. Also, I somehow changed Thenal into a cat and Omman and the twins into a pack of dogs before the navdalla broke.

5. In what way this week were you doubtless?

I don’t doubt that Thenal and Stone has a can of ‘Whup-Ass’ waiting for me. But it may have to wait. The last time I saw of Thenal he was running for the forest being chased by Omman and the twins. Also, I have no doubt that those men wearing badges are here to speak to Stone.

I also have no doubt that by the time they get back, the box of cookies and cream along with that bottle of chocolate with be history. Keep smiling.

Check out the Friday 5 site at

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Penelope’s Wrath

Wednesday, September 2

For the last few nights, my hammock rocked me to sleep. I felt so refreshed every morning when I woke up. I made one error in my post the other night. The trees which I tied my hammock to happened to be in the front yard instead of the backyard. Yet, the weather cooperated and I found the past few nights to be quite comfortable. Though last night, I did have to put on a bit more cover. I got chilled and woke with the sniffles.

Omman and Thenal haven’t slept too well since Sunday. They seemed to be worried about what Penelope has planned for them. Yesterday, they moved around so lethargically that Stone called them a pair of ‘zombies.’ He said that they need a visit from the ‘Sandman.’ I have no idea what he is referring to. To me they looked like the living dead and needed to get some sleep.

This morning when I woke, I found Penelope siting on Stone’s porch. I stretched for a few seconds then it dawned on me that she was up to something. My internal alarm told me to get the Valdarna out of the way.

Like I said in an earlier post, I enjoyed watching Penelope do her thing – as long as it wasn’t done against me. As I took the chair beside her, she flipped a switch to a box she held in her hand.

Then I realized that Stone had his wood working equipment out along with some supplies. A chill went down my spine. I have no idea what Penelope had up her sleeve, but I knew I was glad I had not crossed her this time. I could be in my room with the other two.

Yet, my curiosity got the better of me. Before I could ask her what she was up to, she placed a giant yellow jacket in my hand. Her hand stopped me from bolting. Then I noticed small slits in its back. After examining it closer, I realized that I held a mechanical yellow jacket. Its ceramic body measured about three times the insect’s original size.

That satisfied some of my questions. Then a low rumble came from within the trailer. The outside wall of the trailer exploded with wood splinters flying in all directions. Omman and Thenal came flying through the wall leaving a gapping I it and got entangled in my hammock. As Stone said in the past, they sounded like a couple little girls screaming. Before too long, they fell silent.

When I checked on them, I found them in a panic coma. One of the many frailties we Varnark have cultivated into our psyche. They stood stiff as a couple of boards.

Stone began working on repairing the hole in the wall. He said something about making a swinging door just to let us go out when we panic. Replacing the walls every other week just costs him too much.

I followed Penelope into the trailer. She asked me if I wanted to check out her handiwork. When I entered the room, I did not see anything out of the ordinary. Then I got close to the bed and found a plastic box. I ran my hand in front of it. From around the room, these mechanical yellow jackets began to crawl. They produced a swarming sound.

Chances are that it was the three mechanical bugs I found crawling on Thenal’s and Omman’s beds that caused their panic.

Penelope entered the room to collect her bugs, control unit and sound activated switch. She still refuses to tell me what she did with the real bugs. I am not going to push it either. They may find their way into my sleeping bag if I am not careful.

Now, I have to figure out what to do about a couple of petrified Varnark.

Monday, August 31, 2009

One that I Admire

Monday, August 31

My thoughts have come back to a question that I answered several weeks ago: “Who’s making a positive difference in your life?” I answered Penelope because of her antics and the way she thinks.

Tement used to be the biggest positive influence because he was and still is my mentor. Lately, I have come to admire Penelope. Though she does still scare me at times; as an ally, I could not have no one better to back me up when danger rears its ugly head.

I guess what I like about her is her ability to come up with creative ways of messing with the minds of our enemies, mainly the rogue Ygi. She also has this unusual way of turning a problem into an asset.

Let me give an example of this. We discovered a yellow jackets’ nest in Stone’s well house the other day. Several of us had to take refuge in the trunk of Stone’s car. Needless to say, he had it parked in the sun. I now understand how it would feel like to be stuck in an oven with a roast.

Stone grabbed a couple of cans of wasp killer to eradicate the stinging insects. He said he would have to wait until the sun went down first. Though I did overhear him say that he should leave them up there to keep some nosy neighbors out of the shed.

That is when I heard Omman and Thenal begin to howl. When I came out of the trailer to check on the commotion, I found them at it again making fun of Penelope and her pink scooter. She seemed to be ignoring them and intercepted Stone.

Penelope stopped him and told him that she had a few ideas to deal with the 'critters.' Stone re Though, I liked her first idea best, but Stone refused to let her anywhere near that well house with those large explosive sticks. He said he did not want his shed to be blown to someplace called "Smithereens."

Her second solution involved an extension cord, a battery-powered drill, a 3/4" wood drill bit, and a wet/dry vacuum cleaner with a long hose. The pests built their nest against the back wall of the well house at about five feet above the floor. This big blob of paper with insects crawling all around it sat on top of a filing cabinet. She plugged in the 10-gallon vacuum cleaner and attached the hose.

At this point, she had my full and complete attention. I had even forgotten about the five pulsating bumps on my arm and back. I guess this is where one could say that ‘curiosity that killed the Varnark.’ Yet, I had to know what she planned to do. When she stopped, I found myself staring at the back outside well-house wall.

First, Penelope drilled a hole through the back wall of the well house directly into that yellow jacket nest. That got their attention. Loud buzzing erupted from the other side of the wall. She moved the drill up, down, and side to side a few times before jerking the bit back out of the hole. These small creatures started to crawl through the hole.

She grabbed the hose and turned on the vacuum. She sucked a few out of the air and then placed the hose close to the hole, which sucked up all of the yellow jackets around the hole.

The grin on her face scared me. Time seemed to crawl at that point. We stayed there until the number of yellow jackets that came through that hole finally started to drop.

I do not know how many of those yellow jackets she collected, but we could hear them roar from within the vacuum cleaner whenever someone bumped it. She dropped the hose and quickly plugged the hole in the well house. Then Penelope put a cap on the end of the hose and turned the vacuum cleaner off. I got the impression that she planned to come back for more later.

When I inquired about what she planned to do with the yellow jackets, she said something about donating them to that rogue Ygi group. At the present time, I do not know what she has planned for those bugs. That may be a story for another day.

I do guarantee you though that whomever she targets will regret that they crossed her. Before she left, she told me that I might consider sleeping under the stars tonight. I am not sure what that means, but I have my hammock hanging between the two trees in the back of the trailer. By the way, have any of you seen Thenal or Omman.


A note from Stone:

One note on the Alien Short Story series: I have a little more work before it will be ready to post. The first short story is not turning out to be so short. I am expecting it to be about from 6,000 to 7,500 words and I plan to split it into three or four parts.

I plan to have the web page up by September 14. Thank you for your patience.

Clark Stone

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Taking a Break

Sunday, August 16

Hello everyone,

I do apologize for the absence for the last few weeks. I will be taking the next few weeks off so that I can work on some material. On August 30, I will return and plan to post three posts per week.

Currently, I feel that I am aimlessly wondering around with Narval's posts. I wish to keep it focused and make it somewhat linear. In other words, I wish to have a theme to follow with a few occasional deviations from the path along the way.

I plan to build a short story series based on an alien landing on our planet. He is an observer. He will observe the humans but he will also observe another alien race whose goal is to harvest the humans for consumption.

There are some details about my alien short story series I have yet to flesh out. I will let you know in about two weeks.

Thanks for reading my posts.

Clark Stone

Friday, July 31, 2009

Friday 5 - Taboo

Friday, July 31

1. Who’s making a positive difference in your life?
Taboo words: friends, family, husband/wife/spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend.

Penelope. I kind of like her eccentric ways of getting things done or the way she looks at things. But at times she is hard to figure out. Mainly, I like the idea of hers: Don’t get mad, get even.

If it were up to my friends and family, I would be in deep trouble by now. The only positive influence they would have would be that they would positively driven me nuts by now. My girlfriend is the reason I am on this assignment in the first place. It was the only way I could get away from her.

2. Where would you like to be right now?
Taboo words: home, bed, anywhere but here.

On the Mars colony. Varnark, they have it made making those weird designs in the plant’s surface just to drive those human scientists nuts. Plus that is where all of the female Varnark are stationed.

As for being home, it was destroyed when that asteroid hit my planet years ago. The bed that Stone provides it lumpy and hard. Makes me wonder if he did not use concrete under those sheets.

3. What’s the first thing you’d do with a $5,000 (or your local equivalent) gift?
Taboo words: save, debt, vacation, payments, invest.

Buy a week’s supply of ice cream, chocolate, onions and cookie dough. That should wipe that $5000 out and then some. The fun part would be preventing the others from getting any. Big Grin.

Never did have enough money to save. And with our schedules and activities, we may not live long enough as advanced guard against the Ygi to be able to spend our savings. This holds true for investing. No one in their right mind would loan us money. As for vacation, life is a perpetual vacation to us Varnark.

4. What super-power would you really like to have?
Taboo words: invisibility, x-ray vision, flying, strength, transform.

To hold my breath for long periods of time. This would be useful when I have to work around Omman after he consumed three bean burritos with chili. Believe me, this is one feat that I almost am able to do. After years of practice, I can hold it for almost 340 compas (That is about 15 minutes on Earth.) By they way, when one works around the Ygi, this ability could come in handy. One can smell one of them up to two miles away.

As for invisibility, flying, strength and transforming, we have those abilities in a limited way. We stole some of the Sationarian equipment before we got here. This equipment allows us to do most of the above list.

5. What’s your favorite sound?
Taboo words: laughter, music, ocean, wind, ____’s voice.

Well, the answers below are kind of a cheat. The first two sounds would make me laugh uncontrollably. The Varnark are deathly afraid of large bodies of water so that would definitely be out of the question. We lose all motor control of our bodies and start dancing like idiots when music is played. As for the wind, we like to wind surf so that is one sound we do like to hear.

On this, I have multiple favorites. The splashing sound Thenal makes when he slips and falls into a mud puddle. The scream Omman makes as he flies through the air because Thenal ignited one of Omman’s flatulent blasts. The humming sound of a soft serve ice cream machine dispensing my favorite treat: chocolate ice cream with onion bits.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Friday Five - Usefulness

Friday, July 24

What’s something in your possession that has long outlived its usefulness?

Well, the T-shirt I am currently wearing. Stone calls it my holy shirt because of all of the holes in it. I must say that is well ventilated. But I am not ready to give up on its comfort.

Who in your life has proven to be a very useful person to know?

Clark Stone. He is the one who knows where he hid the chocolate and onions. He also controls the keys to the freezer where the ice cream rests. My fellow Varnark and I are learning to pick that lock.

For group projects requiring collaborative planning and then collaborative execution, in what capacity are you most useful?

Gadgets and devices. I have the ability to modify some of the human toys so that we can use them to monitor the activities of the Ygians.

What’s something someone gave you that you didn’t think much of but later became surprisingly useful?

A magnifying glass. I did not know what it could be used for. Then I discovered it allowed me to see inside the lock that Stone has on his freezer. We managed to pick the lock but Stone walked in just as we got the lock open. Our bad timing worked against us.

What is the most useful book in your house?

The dictionary, two encyclopedias and a chocolate cookbook. They give us just enough height to get into the cabinet that Stone hides the chocolate cookies.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Friday Five - Holes

Friday, July 10

Hello, Narval here. I am going to attempt to answer these five questions in my usual Varnark style. Why not? Aren’t we here to have fun? I believe we are, so let the fun begin.

1. Where can you go for a really good bagel, and how do you like yours?

You mean you eat those here. I have heard of hot dogs but I did not know that you all took that to the extreme. They have a bit too much hair on them for me, and they’re too cute to be eaten. I don’t understand you humans. You call them ‘Man’s best friend,’ but then talk about eating them like this.

Uh, wait a second…. What was that you said Stone? Oh! They’re talking about a round piece of bread.

Opps, sorry, I don’t know what got in to me. Just in case though, all you beagles beware.

2. What is your favorite style of doughnut?

Glazed, by the dozen, and free. No, wait, can’t leave out the chocolate covered ones either. ;-p

3. What’s your favorite flavor of Lifesavers?

I’m sure I am going to get in trouble for this one. I take it you are not talking about the device one throws out to save another who is in water, are you?

Oh, those little round things, I like the butter rum flavor.


Opps! Doesn’t haffda same kick az da butter rum dat Stone makzz.

4. What O-shaped breakfast cereals do you like?

Fruit Loops and Cheerios taste good. Though I am beginning to wonder about the names. Sometimes Stone refer to us Varnark as being a bunch of Fruit Loops because we are always happy and pulling pranks.

5. How do you feel about onion rings, and where can you get some good ones?

We Varnark love onions. They can make us cry when we cut them into slices and separate the little rings. Yet, an onion does not stand a chance around us. Then again, most of the humans stay away from us for hours after we eat our onions.

What’s that again, Stone? You mean you cook onions that are battered?

In that case, we like them okay that way but prefer them raw. As for going out to get them, Stone is a bit too stingy to take us out to eat them. Every time he tries to cook some, we eat the onions before he finishes pouring the grease into the pan.

As an ending note to these questions, I want to quote Stone who tells us, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everyone away.”

Friday, July 3, 2009


Friday, July 3

1. How do you feel about fireworks displays?

We Varnark enjoy them. Though those exploding sounds can catch one off guard.

2. What were the details surrounding one of your mishaps with fire?

Well, it wasn’t necessarily my mishap. This occurred just after Stone got that grill. He said he had never tried to barbecue anything in his life. Getting that charcoal lit turned out to be a trick he had never done before. He did not put enough of the starter fluid on it. When the fire went out, he squirted it with some more fluid and this white smoke started floating up.

Stone told us to step back but Thenal got cocky and stuck his head up to the grill. Stone had not realized that Thenal had stuck his head over the grill as he re-lit the fire. The flare-up caught the gel in Thenal’s hair. Stone said Thenal looked like a lit match as he ran toward the pool of water.

3. Who in your life could be described as a real firecracker?

On that front, I would say it could be Penelope, Stone’s friend. She has a tendency to take things too personal. Yet, I truly have to say Thenal would should wear that title. Penelope tends to get even, but Thenal tends to explode when he gets angry, which is almost every time we turn around.

4. When did you last feel you were being put on display?

Last week. I woke up in this strange bed with bars on it wearing a blue bonnet, a T-shirt and something called a diaper. People looked at me and laughed. A sign on the side of this bed stated ‘DWI.’ Underneath it read “Dangerously Wild Ignoramus.” So, I started acting wild and dangerous. I guess I went off like fireworks when I discovered what ignoramus meant.

5. How confident are you in your barbecue skills?

I am getting better at it. Since Stone got that grill a month ago, he has been grilling and barbecuing all types of things. As his assistant on this, he allowed me to do some of the grilling.

Though, this morning, I woke up and realized I smelt like I had been smoked. This did not go unnoticed by the others either. When I looked around, I caught Thenal, Omman and the twins sniffing the air. Then they locked their eyes on me and looked like a pack of hungry wolves on the hunt. I just barely got to the bathroom and locked the door.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Question and Answer Session

Wednesday, July 1

After our encounters with two festivals, I decided to ask some of the Varnark about their experiences. This is the transcripts of that interview. So, what follows are Thenal’s, Omman’s and Narval's answers to my questions.

Stone: Any words of wisdom you wish to share about going to festivals?

Thenal: Make sure you explore new foods that vendors carry. My discovery turned out to be something called ‘funnel cakes.’ After the third one, I found myself ready to some dancing to get rid of that excess energy.

Omman: One has to beware of those sliced green things called ‘jalapenoes.’ They burn going in, and as I found out this morning, the burn coming back out, too.

Narval: Take your time drinking those slushes. Drink them too fast and you will get what Stone calls a ‘brain freeze.’ Oh, the same thing is true if you eat your ice cream too fast. One other thing, don’t carouse with the mudbugs like Thenal and anger the clowns like Omman.

Thenal and Omman: Hey!

Stone: Okay, okay. That’ll be enough boys. What was the scariest thing you encountered at either festival?

Thenal: That mudbug that Omman attached to my ear clamped down hard. Those claws may not look real big but they can hurt.

Omman: I did not care for the guy in that clown suit. He made me run into that big pole. Yet, the guy juggling those fire sticks seemed a bit creepy. He set my hair on fire

Narval: Two things scared me: that giant lizard they called a ‘gator’ and Thenal singing karaoke. Make that three, Omman doing his ‘match’ routine wasn’t right. Almost set a few tents on fire before someone dunked his head in in some water.


Stone: Omman, don't punch Narval. What is the funniest thing you found at these festivals?

Narval: A tie between Omman being chased by that clown and Thenal running down the road with that crawfish hanging from his ear. Both of them screaming like a ‘baby.’

Thenal: When Stone tossed Narval into the nearby river and someone yelled “Gator.”

Omman: Yea, I agree. That’s the first time I every seen someone get up and walk on water.

Stone: What event provided you with the most entertainment or gave you the most fun?

Narval: I think we all agree on this one. We enjoyed the bands and their music.

Thenal: When the music starts, our feet start to move and we dance.

Omman: We just can’t help ourselves. If you could imagine, six Varnark dancing with abandon.

Stone: What did you learn while attending these festivals?

Omman: Be conscious of whom you dance with. I think some of those people on the dance floor were Ygi. One bit me on the arm between songs.

Thenal: Was that the one they had to carry off in an ambulance five minutes later.

Narval: Food poisoning.


Narval: Hey, watchit Omman.

Bang! Bop!

Thenal: If that’s the way you want it, Omman, let’s have at …

Kawop! Bang! Bang! Klump! Bop!

Stone here. I guess this is the end of this interview. My three Varnark have entered into their favorite past time: a Varnark free-for-all.

Until later - Clark Stone

Friday, June 26, 2009

What About the News

Friday, June 26

Well, Stone found this website called “Friday 5” in which a person can answer five questions on a particular subject. It took a bit of talking, but Stone gave me permission to answer those questions.

So, here is my attempt at answering Friday 5 for June 26: News

1. Where do you get most of your information about current local events?

Stone gets a local paper but we love to get most of our local news from Stone’s friends. Stone claims what they should be considered editorials. Then again he calls them gossips. All I know is that the way they tell it makes it sound so much more interesting.

2. Where do you get most of your information about current national and international events?

We Varnark are only interested in items of humor and some items that may indicate activities of the Ygi (our and you humans’ nemesis). Most of this he gets out of the regional newspaper, television news, and the Internet.

The one story that caught our attention a while back pertained to that pack of Chihuahuas that went after that postal worker. That story allowed us to track down some juvenile Varnark who escaped from the Ygi. They did what they did best: Cause chaos. Oh, and no, the rumor that we thrive on chaos is not completely …. Uh, okay, they are true.

3. Who in your family always is most likely to know what’s up with everyone else in your family?

Oh, that would have to be me. If someone does something that is embarrassing, I seem to be the one Varnark who would find out about it. Then, I would share those nuggets of information to the Varnark community along with anyone else who would listen.

My motto is, “Got an embarrassing tidbit, let me know. I will let everyone know." By the way, do you have something embarrassing tidbit? Send it to me if you dare. (Evil Laugh)

4. Who at work (or school) always seems to know what’s going on?

Work? School? Who wants to work when there is so much fun to be had in this world. I think I hear an ice cream cone calling.

5. What other kinds of news do you try to keep up-to-date on and where do you get it?

When and where the next festival or fun activity will be held. If it is fun, I want to know about it. I get this from friends, cohorts, newspapers, Internet, television and the local gossip group. We also see human politics as hilarious, so we also keep up with it as well. Those editorial cartoons can be clever.

This was fun. I think I will try it again next week. Though my brain is hurting trying to think up the answers. Well, I will see you later. I hear a bowl of ice cream calling my name. Bye.

The Friday 5 website is located at